I have a weird fear of doing certain things.

Working out in front of people. Dancing in public settings- especially weddings. Not getting enough food at a restaurant and basically paying to leave hungry. Keeping plants alive. You get the point- weird things.

I guess I’m scared of them because it’s an underlying fear of failure due to the fact that I’m not the best at any of these things. I’m afraid of making a fool out of myself and looking ridiculous. I set these ridiculously high standards that would require me to be an expert at all things that I do in life. I mean, unless you’re cooking the food yourself you have no idea how much you’re going to get, or if it’s going to fill you up- an impossible standard, right?

I decided this year that I have to start letting some of the control go. I’m not living my life to the fullest. I’m not sure if I’m more afraid of the judgment from others or myself- but either way, it has to stop.

I’m trying to find the balance of doing things that I actually enjoy, not doing the things I don’t enjoy that I did before because I felt I had to- and then actually trying new things and having experiences.

I’m starting to branch out.

Ordering new food at restaurants that I’ve only eaten the same thing at for years.

Working out when my husband is home- don’t ask me to join a gym, I’m not there yet.

I’m going to attempt to dance at a wedding we’re going to with my husband, even if I’m terrified.

These take some planning- let me explain.

My anxiety flares up when I’m approaching situations that I’m afraid of- especially things that I think other people will judge me for. I have to take weeks to build myself up and convince my brain that trying something new will be a good thing. Then when the time comes I actually have to follow through with it. I’ve found that it usually ends up being a good thing.

This has been the case with learning how to decorate cakes, learning to play the guitar, raising a child- the list could go on.

I think that part of it comes down to the fear of learning. I feel like I have to be automatically good at things otherwise I’ll lose the respect and love of people I desire it from. A weird, twisted concept, I know- but it haunts me.

Sometimes I’m overwhelmed because I’ve hyped myself up and convinced myself that I’ll be better at something than I really am and then I feel disappointed, discouraged and overwhelmed at the thought of trying again when the result is less than subpar.

One of my recent pursuits has been plants.

I’ve been wanting to freshen up my space, improve our air quality and make our house look more adult-ish. I feel like plants do all of those things. I had a plant once and I killed it- pretty quickly, I might add. I was disappointed in myself and decided to stick to fake plants and dried flowers. Until recently, I told myself I couldn’t keep anything alive and that I would be a failure to my family, friends and plants everywhere (I’m dramatic). Then I realized that was dumb and if my friends with kids could keep plants alive, surely I could too. So here’s what I did and I think what I’ll do for future *scary* endeavors..

• I asked for advice from people who knew what they were talking about.

• I chose the easiest plant not to kill.

• I chose a plant & pot that I actually loved so I’d be more willing to take care of it.

• I set lots of reminders on my phone not to forget about it.

And it turned out wonderfully!

(but check back in a few months)

Learning and trying new things can be scary, especially when you deal with ongoing anxiety & self-doubt- but I’ve decided that it’s no longer going to stop me from living and experiencing all the life that God has to offer me.

I’ve decided to have a little faith. Will you?

xo- Ry