It feels surreal to sit down and type this.

I honestly feel like I’ve forgotten how to type and write, I haven’t been on my computer in over a month and my hands are shaking as they acclimate to my keyboard. My break has been nice honestly, I didn’t realize how much I needed it. Just preparing for Hayden’s birth, it was necessary. I’m glad I took the break because as I expected, labor and delivery took every ounce of energy I had been saving from the weeks leading up. That being said, I'm still on leave, I'm just emerging for a quick second because I really want to share our story.

I want to share with you my unmedicated birth story. Not because I need validation or anything like that, but simply because I want to remember. I had a beautiful labor but an intense delivery and the first four days postpartum were incredibly traumatic. I want to be able to look back and remember what happened and what I did. I want others to be able to look on and know that they can do it too and that preparation is really important, especially for the moments when things don’t go the way that you wanted them to.

I will share a few pictures as some were taken but after about five minutes I ended up completely naked and stayed that way until I moved to my postpartum room 13 hours later. I gotta tell ya, for me all of my inhibitions went out the window and I just didn't care.

Let’s start on Saturday, November 28th. My parents had come in to town a few days earlier hoping that he would arrive on his due date.. he did not. We spent our time together resting, walking, eating and watching movies. It was really lovely. Saturday morning they left and I slept the day away and watched Virgin River (note to reader: DO NOT watch this show shortly before giving birth). I had been having contractions for three weeks, prodromal labor every night and needless to say, I was miserable.

During that time Dustin worked Black Friday and an early shift Saturday. When he got home Saturday afternoon I wanted to watch tv but he had only gotten about six hours of sleep over the two nights prior and he was desperate for sleep. We went to bed around 7:30 and it’s a good thing we did because at 10:30 pm at 40+6 weeks I woke up in full blown labor. At first I just thought I needed to use the bathroom but I quickly realized that I was having contractions and they were very strong. I thought it may be prodromal at first because that’s what I had gotten used to. But I started paying attention and I could not talk through them and they were right on top of each other. At 11:30 I woke Dustin up because I was bouncing and doing low groans to get through contractions and he bounced right up. He filled the tub and I got in because the water was the only place that sounded manageable at the time. We decided to start timing them to just see, but I assumed I’d be in labor for at least a day so I wasn’t too worried. After several intense contractions Dustin informed me that they were lasting two minutes and were only 3-4 minutes apart. As the hour went on they were getting closer to a minute and they were getting closer and closer together. They were incredibly intense. I couldn’t get comfortable in the bath tub so I got out and started walking around the house. Dustin helped me get dressed and by 1:30ish I was on the couch and I would lean over the side for him to perform counter pressure. That got me through for a bit and at that point we decided to contact my doula. She thought it may be prodromal at first or super early labor as I had been reaching out to her on multiple occasions. But she called and when she heard me go through a contraction she knew it was the real deal. Let’s just say that I was very primal and utilized deep sounds throughout my entire labor. It was evident to anyone listening what was happening.

We called the midwife and after they heard a contraction they let us know that it was probably safe to come in and our backup plan, as we live an hour away from the hospital, was to grab a hotel room in the city to labor in if I wasn’t at the required 5cm to be admitted into the birth center. By 2:45 Dustin had the truck packed up and by 3 am he got me in the truck. Sitting up was excruciating for my contractions and it was the longest car ride of my life. Dustin didn’t realize at the time that you could get in trouble for speeding to a hospital, but thankfully we didn’t get pulled over despite going 90 the 50 miles to the hospital. We arrived by 3:30 and they wheeled me to triage, got me on the monitor and checked my dilation (this was my first check ever) and I was incredibly relieved to hear that I was at a 6.5. I almost cried out of relief because I was worried, especially as a first time mom, that after only 5 hours I wouldn’t even be close to a 5. They got me into the birth center room soon after and filled up the giant birthing tub. It felt absolutely incredible. The warm tub and the dimmed lighting, mixed with essential oils to help with my nausea came as a great relief. Dustin sprayed water on my back and I leaned my head over the front on a tub pillow I brought (10/10 recommend bringing one if you want to labor in the water). I was even able to sleep a little bit in between contractions. We can’t remember fully but I believe I labored in the tub for two hours before my midwife asked me to get out of the tub and change positions. As much as I didn’t want to, physically my body needed to move and keep laboring.

Now here’s the part where I should mention that Hayden was OP. This means that although he was head down, he was facing the wrong direction for delivery. This meant that it was harder for him to descend, making it more intense for me to dilate and it meant that I had awful back labor. Seriously, my back felt like it was splitting in half the entire time. Every contraction the pressure would radiate from my back to my abdomen and back. All I could do was breathe deeply and groan to get through each one.

By this time it was about 5:30 in the morning or so and I was starting to feel a lot of pressure, like I needed to push. I asked the midwife to check me and it turns out that the pressure I was feeling was him starting to turn; I was only at a 7. I was devastated. I was almost completely effaced at that point, but I for sure thought I was farther along. Time was a construct I couldn’t comprehend and I didn’t know if it had been 10 minutes or 10 hours but my body was starting to get weary.

At this point I decided to lay down with a peanut ball between my legs to help him turn and help my body dilate. Dustin cuddled up next to me in the big bed (birthing center) and he hugged me and held my hand through each contraction. Every 15 minutes or so they’d help me flip so that I could continue to progress. My doula also offered me protein bites which I ate a few nibbles of before feeling very nauseous. I was definitely in transition- it was just a very long transition.

They could tell I was starting to stall a bit and I was getting discouraged because I wanted so desperately to push. At this point I was going on hour 8 or 9 and my body was just exhausted. Over the next hour Dustin and I slow danced through contractions, I did toilet squats and hung onto my doula. I also did time on the CUB stool my doula brought.

Around 9:30 am I was done. Everything in me felt like I needed to push but I knew I couldn’t yet. I started crying at this point and saying I couldn’t do it- I was definitely in the last stage and headed towards the end of transition. My legs were shaking and I could feel my body naturally pushing. I yelled that to my midwife and she told me I couldn’t push because I could get an internal tear. For those who haven’t read my other posts, I did a ton of research on how to avoid tearing so I didn’t want that. I literally felt like I was holding him in. I begged my midwife to check me and she informed me that I was only at an 8. After HOURS of laboring I was so hoping to be at a 10. It took everything I had to hold my tears in and to not completely lose it. My water bag was still intact and although it was on my birth plan to have my waters break naturally, I desperately needed things to progress. This is where I am so thankful that I had done my research because although I knew why I didn’t want it broken I also knew and understood the pros of when it would be beneficial to have it broken as well as the risk of doing so. After the midwife reiterated those I knew I wanted it broken and I was willing to take the risk. I am so happy that I did because I instantly went from 8 to 9 centimeters. That being said, I did not have the waters as a cushion anymore and my contractions ramped up even more. It got very intense and I felt like I needed to push more than ever. But he was still OP and I still wasn’t dilated enough to push. At that point all I wanted to do was lay down but it just kept getting worse and the pain was unbearable to just lay there. My doula- who was AMAZING by the way- knew that I needed to get up. Dustin who hadn’t left my side the entire time got me up and we slow danced. I got in the shower and rested on him, I did a toilet sit, more CUB sitting and I was still not fully there. Up until this point I managed to keep my breathing and groaning pretty controlled but this is where I started to yell and lose it. Despite my yelling that I needed to push, my midwife said I still wasn’t ready and I needed him to flip. My doula decided to do “shaking the apples” and she wrapped a rebozo around my waist and shook my hips. My entire demeanor changed and after yelling I needed to push again because I could feel him getting very low, my midwife said something had changed in me and she thought I was ready. She checked me and at 11 o’clock I was at a 10, fully effaced and he had turned. I was finally ready to push.

I got on the bed in hands and knees and I started pushing with my contractions.

At this point they kind of slowed down. From my research I knew that I needed to push deep and hard several times through each contraction for effective pushing. I didn’t want to be coached and my team respected that. Dustin sat at my head and got on my eye level and held my hand. He whispered affirmations and encouraged me through each contraction as I brought Hayden down. My nurse monitored his heart rate with the doppler and he was doing great. I pushed for an hour total and about 15 minutes of that was just him crowning. I was determined to not tear, or only have minor tears so I refused to push when I didn’t have a contraction which slowed the whole thing down. Right at the end as I gave my final push to deliver his head the midwife shouted out that I needed to get on my back. My stomach dropped. I had made it clear in my birth plan that I didn’t want this but again, from knowing my stuff, I could tell by the urgency in her voice that there was a very good reason I needed to be on my back. Dustin and a nurse helped me flip quickly and as I flipped my body naturally pushed and the rest of Hayden’s body slipped out in that one push. This is unfortunately when I tore and I 100% felt every bit of it. Although compared to the contractions, it was nothing. I will note that there was screaming during the pushing but it was controlled with each push. It wasn’t a fear type of scream, rather a primal transfer of energy that truly helped me bring him down.

This is where time stood still.

I had made it clear in my birth plan and emphasized as I was pushing that his cord was not to be cut until it was white and stopped pulsing, about 15 minutes or so after delivery. The midwife agreed as long as he was okay. As his heart rate was awesome this was going to happen and it was going to be great.

Until that final push.

She grabbed him, she yelled out that she was cutting and all of the sudden a flurry of people were in the room.

There was noise, so much noise- but it was silent. A slow motion where I was desperately searching for the sound of his cry and for him to be placed on my chest. But I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t find him. I couldn’t hear him.

A few days prior I had watched a show where there was a stillborn delivery and my mind went there. My heart dropped and the tears couldn’t even flow. It was my worst nightmare.

I could feel the panic in Dustin’s grasp and his face looked like he had seen a ghost.

And then it came to be. He cried. And he cried. And then I cried and Dustin cried. Our boy, born with an APGAR of 1/10, his cord wrapped around his neck and body, unable to breathe, was alive. He just needed to be stimulated.

With that cry I was able to breathe a sigh of relief and the ambiance of the room flooded over me.

I did it.

I labored and delivered Hayden James completely unmedicated. I leaned into the natural birth process and I accomplished what so many people warned me that I wouldn't be able to do. I did it.

At that point they did a quick exam and his APGAR went up to an 8/10 and NICU cleared him. But then an individual said they wanted him in transition. I was crying and so angry because I just wanted him on my chest. It is the most unnatural thing in the world for a mother to deliver and have her baby ripped away from her. It made me angry that this was procedure outside of a birth center and for situations that aren’t emergencies. It’s not right.

Because he was breathing and pink they put him on my chest for what felt like seconds and then Dustin went with him to the transition room where they monitored his stats for over three hours. Within minutes he was gone, my doula had to leave for another birth and the room cleared out. All that was left was a tech, my midwife and my nurse. I tried to stay positive even though I was dying inside. I was supposed to be having four hours of uninterrupted skin to skin and I was supposed to be trying to latch my sweet boy.

Instead I laid there shivering while she stitched me up. Thankfully because I had knowledge of how to push, which she said I pushed like I had already had 5 kids which was encouraging, I only had two very minor, barely-even first degree tears. She only stitched one up and left the other to heal naturally on its own. That being said, while all of the commotion was going on I was hemorrhaging. I lost 500 ml of blood and had 11 golf ball sized clots come out in the first few minutes. It was horrible and they had to put them in pouches to measure them. I also had to have an internal sweep to make sure my placenta was completely out and that there weren’t any other major clots. Let me just tell ya, it does not feel good to have anything go back in after ya just pushed an 8lb 12oz, 20 inch baby out. I did get to see my placenta which was cool but I was really in a lot of shock. I was at the point where if I had lost any more blood I would’ve had to have a transfusion. I didn’t want any post birth management but they said I had to get the bleeding to stop otherwise I could pass out or get worse or have to have a transfusion. I truly didn’t want any medication but I understood that my body was unable to stop the bleeding so I agreed to a Pitocin IV and Cytotec. The Cytotec made me VERY feverish and I couldn’t stop shivering and shaking. It was awful.

I was alone, sore, shaking, hungry and devastated that my baby boy wasn’t with me. All I could do was cry and pray. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on my worst enemy.

My nurse came back with my medication and I tried to get up and walk but I just couldn’t. My back labor was so horrendous the entire time that I couldn’t use my back or my core and I was shaking so terribly from the Cytotec that I couldn’t even stand. Unfortunately that was the one requirement for me to be able to move up to postpartum and to be wheeled to where they had Dustin and Hayden so I had to lay back down and just wait. I laid there and I cried because I felt so weak. After 13 hours of intense labor and an hour of pushing I was unable to do the one thing I needed to get to my son and husband. I knew it wasn’t me and that it was unnatural for my body to be in the position that it was, but I couldn’t help but feel awful. Thankfully a nurse wheeled Dustin and Hayden into the room just a half hour later and we waited until I could hobble to the bathroom.

At that point the on call pediatrician came in and explained that the PH levels in his cord blood weren’t where they wanted them to be and that they needed to do further testing. He also showed us that Hayden had fluid in his head between his brain and skull. He informed us that they needed to keep an eye on it to make sure that he wasn’t bleeding from the brain.

As nervous as I was, I just needed to hold my baby and I couldn’t do that until I was in postpartum because I was shaking so bad. After what felt like forever they finally wheeled us up there and I got into bed. Just as I was getting ready to hold him a nurse came in and said he needed to go for a blood test to check his levels again. They wheeled him out and again I burst into tears. Your newborn should never be taken from you and again there he went and Dustin wasn’t allowed to go with him which I was very angry about as I didn’t trust anyone to not give him the things we were declining, especially because it had been made known to us that they disagreed heavily with our decision.

He eventually was delivered back to us and I got to hold him and I never wanted to let him go. I tried latching and he wasn’t really having it but I kept trying and he got a bit down. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed so I just kept latching. I knew that the more I latched the more my milk would come in and he had just eaten while inside me so he’d be good for the next 24 hours as long as I latched every 2 to 3 just to get him going. Plus, his stomach was the size of a cherry at the time so it was all good, he just needed a few drops.

The next morning the lactation consultant came in and we had a horrible session with her. I am so thankful I did so much breastfeeding research because I still knew what to do even though she was terrible and incredibly demeaning. The pediatrician came back in and he insisted that we get Vitamin K because he was “bleeding from the brain”. A poor choice of words as this turned out to not be true (there was A LOT of miscommunication, some I believe to be more intentional than others) but because we were freaked we decided to go with it. 15 minutes later after the injection the LC was back in the room and while feeding he had an episode where his eyes rolled very weird and his coloring was off and he started moving funny. We looked at each other and she called the pediatrician in. He did an exam, which Hayden passed but he decided to hand him over to the NICU nurse just to be sure. Once again my baby was taken from me and I was not okay. I was so angry that I caved to something I did not trust and even worse, I knew that nobody would even acknowledge the fact that the two could be connected. The NICU pediatrician on call saw another episode and promptly admitted him to the NICU for 24 hours of continuous monitoring. I was devastated. My heart felt like it was ripped in half.

At this point he was gone from me and I had to pump every 2 hours to make my body think he was with me. I looked at pictures and I pumped and I sobbed. Never again would I ever make the mistake of giving my baby something I didn’t trust. We were able to go down to the NICU in shifts and I tried nursing but he wasn’t having it. We ended up bottle feeding him the colostrum I had pumped and then the NICU insisted on making up to their required 1 oz which looking back is ridiculous because his stomach was still too small and he didn’t need that much. No wonder he couldn’t keep up with my colostrum and he was puking after each feed. The formula didn’t set well with him and it was far too much. I felt so incredibly out of control and I was so angry he wasn’t with me. Dustin went down and spent time with him and then we went to bed.

Tuesday morning I went down with colostrum to feed him and found out that they wanted to keep him another 24 hours. This was despite his blood tests coming back perfect, the swelling on his head was going down with no signs of a brain bleed, his stats had been perfect and he didn’t have any evidence of seizures and hadn’t had another episode. I was angry and had to deal with nurses who were snappy and insisted that “they weren’t trying to keep my baby hostage” but they didn’t have a legitimate reason for keeping him another 24 hours. I was pretty much hysterical at this point and pissed beyond belief because he was seemingly fine, we were told we could go home and my nurses were discharging me that day and I would not, under any circumstances, leave him at that hospital. At that point I had great care but I didn’t trust any of the doctors or nurses who were working with him. Frankly, they hadn’t given me any reason to trust them and there was a gross amount of miscommunication or lack thereof.

At that point the NICU was willing to send him up to my room for 24 hours of off-monitor monitoring but they wouldn’t send him up unless my doctor was willing to keep me another night. The other option was that I could room in down in the NICU with him but Dustin would have to go home. The thing was I was not willing to give up my only support system which was Dustin and I needed him to help me with pumping and cleaning and meds and my severe anxiety that I was dealing with. I also was not willing to let him sleep in the truck and he was not driving an hour home and leaving us. It was ridiculous because we had both been allowed in the NICU just not at the same time and even in the private room we couldn’t all be together. This was supposedly about Covid but given the fact that we had both been there and both parents are allowed in on Saturday’s, my personal nurse made it clear that it was a ridiculous rule and they were clearly not putting our best interest in mind. She was fantastic though and paired up with my midwife to get me an official diagnosis of postpartum anxiety, which I had, to allow me to stay another night. Once the NICU had delivered him to us and was signed off to the upstairs pediatrician, the midwife came in and said that she had “changed her mind” and didn’t think insurance would cover it with that diagnosis but that it was “too late” and NICU couldn’t take him back so they would make that room his room and because we were already there we could both stay and they would just discharge me but the room would still be charged to insurance for Hayden. Basically, she tricked the system in our interest so that we could all stay together. I will forever be grateful to that midwife and nurse. They were the only ones who really seemed to care if I was okay.

The next morning we packed up and decided we were leaving no matter what because they weren’t even running his blood work again, he hadn’t had any more episodes and he was doing fantastic with feeding. My milk had come in from all of my pumping and a new, angel of a lactation consultant, came in and praised him for how well he was feeding. The pediatrician came in and cleared him to leave and within two hours we were on our way home.

We've been home for less than a week but Hayden is doing great. I'm recovering very well and we're just trying to get into a groove. He does have a posterior tongue tie that we have to get revised and for those wondering, his pediatrician wants to look a bit deeper into his genes for MTHFR as well as have him checked out by a chiropractor just to see if the injection and the neurological episodes have anything to do with one another.

I hope that you were able to take some things away from my story and realize that if you want to have an unmedicated birth, you absolutely can; no matter how many people tell you that you can’t and that you’ll beg for meds. Not once did I ask for meds because I prepared myself mentally and I worked hard with affirmations and breathing. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t because you are strong and you are capable. Do your research, prepare your mind and body and go for it. My biggest tip is to also prepare for that immediate postpartum time. Understand the post delivery medications and when they’re necessary vs “routine”. Know the side effects. Understand placental management and the possibility of hemorrhaging. Understand why you want certain things done or not done and be prepared to defend your choices.

You also need to be very intentional when choosing where to birth.

Am I truly mad that I had to have post delivery meds to stop the bleeding? Yes.

Am I angry they did placental manipulation? Yup.

Am I pissed they took all of his vernix off and gave him a bath even though it wasn’t necessary? Ya betcha.

Am I angry they gave him formula when it wasn’t necessary? Mhm.

But that’s the price I paid for using a hospital.

My nurses and midwife all said that I would’ve been good for a home or birthing center birth because I handled it great.

I truly believe more went wrong because we were there and using the hospital made the hospital necessary, if that makes sense.

Even down to the cutting of the cord immediately, I don’t believe it was necessary. There was zero attempt to stimulate him immediately. It wasn’t attempted until the cord was cut and he was gone. Sure, the midwife was shocked and human error, I get it, but there should have at least been a split second attempt before that decision was made that set us down a traumatic path.

I know we want one more child, but it’s going to take a lot of processing and therapy before that can happen simply for the fact that my trust for medical professionals went down yet again. I have so much respect for those who are truly passionate about their work and who are respectful of their patient’s wishes (shoutout to the incredible nurses, an amazing midwife & a lovely lactation consultant that I did have). That being said, it’s going to take a lot of time and prayer to work through this experience.

I thank God that my son is okay but it’s only by the grace of God as is the rest of my life.

I hope that my story empowers other new (especially young because it’s a bit harder to be respected) mamas to educate themselves on how powerful they can be when it comes to their birth.

If I had to give one piece of advice to those of you who are hoping to have an unmedicated birth, other than educate, educate, educate yourselves, it would be to get the doula. Invest in your birth, it’s worth it. Mine was incredible. She gave me my space for labor but also managed the situation really well. She helped communicate to me what I needed to do and she facilitated those steps. I never felt like I was alone when she was in the room and even when I was struggling I knew I could do it because of her constant affirmations. The physical, mental and spiritual support that I felt as we rocked, prayed and she “fed” me energy through various sources was unreal. I couldn’t have put a price on that support and I wish that it was possible for every woman in the world to have a doula for every one of their deliveries. If you're in the Middle Tennessee area be sure to check out Rebirthing Wellness.

Thank you to all of you who came around me, prayed for us and sent encouragement while we were going through that trial. Your love and the fact that you listened to me, held space and believed me when I felt ignored and alone and defeated was seen and appreciated.

xoxo – Ry, Dustin and Hayden

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