Hey friends!

Hayden is officially a month old as of yesterday. The days were long but the weeks flew by. It’s crazy to think that my boy is already a month old. He’s already changed so much from when he was born.

If you haven’t read my birth story you can check that out here, but long story short, the end was traumatic and it honestly has taken me a few weeks to really bond with him. I'll probably talk about this more in the future once I've processed more, but it's been hard. I definitely experienced the baby blues as well as mild postpartum anxiety. I'm in a pretty good place now, I just get really lonely when Dustin's at work and in the middle of the night.

Our breastfeeding journey has been going amazingly well considering I was separated from him immediately. I've had to work really hard to bond with him emotionally and I had to work extra hard to keep my mood in check and to not get so stressed that it effects my milk supply. Easier said than done. Thankfully I have a fantastic support system and Dustin specifically has helped me immensely from the first few days of exclusive pumping- I'll talk about that soon because that's something I NEVER saw coming- to fixing his latch and getting my supply up. As of now though Hayden is doing great with feeding and he's up to 9lbs 8 oz as of his last doctor's appointment. I'm thankful.

As you may have seen he had a pretty large hematoma but thanks to an amazing chiropractor who specializes in neuro cases- it's completely gone and we are feeling great about his health.

We've already gotten over a case of the sniffles and he's sleeping really well for a newborn. I'm extremely grateful and thankful and although I have a very tolerant and content baby, I also chalk it up to the fact that I did a ton of research to prepare me. The support system too- that's been vital. I really don't want this to come off as braggy because I know so many people are not as blessed as I have been, so I'm just going to say that I'm really thankful.

These past few weeks have been the hardest I've ever experienced. My body has been through a lot and I'm learning to accept the woman that I now see in the mirror. I'm learning to trust my gut and to let go of the little things. I'm learning how to be a new type of wife and each and every day I'm learning how to be a better mother. It's been a really confusing, intense— but beautiful, journey.

I've dealt with a lot of shame and guilt and I've had a lot of breakdowns- especially revolving around the fact that I really struggled to feel connected to Hayden those first few weeks. I was so mentally and physically exhausted and I was so jealous of Dustin's “freedom” (the ability to come and go from work and sleep through the night) and I was jealous of the bond that he had with Hayden while I was in bed alone, recovering those first few hours in the hospital. I'll definitely do a more extensive post on this later because it needs to be talked about, but for now I'll leave you with this. If you're struggling to connect with your baby once they're on the outside of your womb, it's okay. It will not last forever. Just keep loving on them, kissing on them and do not keep those feelings to yourself. Share them with someone that you trust without hesitation. Isolation is your biggest enemy in those first few weeks. You will be okay and it will get better and it's okay to feel everything you're feeling.

I love you all and I am so thankful for my virtual family and how much love you've shown us this month. Enjoy this sweet video of the best moments from this last month!

(Forgive the quality, it got messed up and frankly, mom life, I didn't have the time or energy to mess with it. Here's to next month!)

xoxo - Ry