I Am Not A “Boy Mom”
I’m just mom.
There is a very slippery slope that I see a lot of parents falling down where they get their worth mixed up with the identities & genders of their children.
Let me explain.
We put too heavy an emphasis on gender in general in our society. We’re obsessed with it and that’s honestly why I think we’re so confused because we think about it so much and stereotype every little thing. We put everything into categories of which gender should be interested in what and who and if you stray from that, you’re programmed to think that you must be wrong & need to change.
I believe this is a generational issue that has got increasingly worse as time has gone on. Parents programming their kids to play with certain toys, participate in certain activities, wear specific clothing- I think it’s been mentally damaging. For parents and children.
Many a time have I seen a mother who was so wrapped up in being a “boy mom” and forcing her son to play all the sports and do all of things only to be completely shocked and her identity shattered when he turned away or chose a different path. And him, being fearful of shattering her or pushing her away, didn’t really step into his identity until he was much older and went through a lot of damaging things to numb the pain.
We have an issue with putting our identity into our children and weighing our worth on our expectations of what they will do and who they will turn out to be.
“Soccer mom”
“Hockey mom”
“Dance mom”
There’s stereotypes for a reason.
We need to detach. This is unhealthy and it’s only spinning our society out of control.
We need to stop putting such a heavy emphasis on gender and just let our kids be who they are.
If your child chooses a different path than you wanted them to, okay, you love them. But you don’t get to let it shatter your world and put that pressure on them to maintain your worth as “x mom” or “x dad”. It’s not their responsibility to carry your worth around in their identity.
No matter what they choose we are to love them because our love is not conditional on who they choose to be, whether we support it, agree with it or not. And this applies to gender, sexuality, lifestyle choices, marriage, kids, career, etc.
I guarantee that we’d have much better relationships with our kids on a worldwide scale if we put less pressure on them to do and be certain things to fulfill our “roles”.
So no, I’m not a boy mom.
I’m not a hockey mom.
I’m not a dance mom.
I’m Hayden’s mom.
And whatever comes with Hayden, I will love and support.
I never want him to feel like I’m putting a timeline or pressure on what he needs to be interested in, when he needs to make life decisions by, or when he needs to fulfill a certain role so I can be “mother in love” or “grandma” or a “proud mom”.
I will always love him and be proud of him no matter what. I want him to have the freedom to know that I will have grace for him as he figures out his life and who he is and as he walks with God that I will support him and be there when he needs me.
But he will not be my everything because if he is, I will be constantly be broken and never be fulfilled.
My everything is in God and it is Him that gives me my worth and sustains me. So that no matter what my children or my husband decide to do or be in their lives that my faith and my identity will stand unshaken.
This does not mean I will not teach my son, it means that I will not put expectations on the outcome of his decisions.
It means that if in 25 years he comes to me and tells me that he wants to be or do something other than what I want for him, I’m going to walk with him through it and love him because that is the role that God gave me as his mom. Not to let my identity fall apart because my son is choosing a different path, but allowing God to work and demonstrate his love and grace through me for my child.
You cannot control what your child does. You cannot. And the sooner you learn that and release them back to God, as they are His, the happier and more at peace you will be. You will be able to love your child wholly and walk with them through anything.
I encourage you take a step back today and think about the people in your life and the roles that you identify yourself and how they coincide. Do you depend on them to fulfill certain areas of your life and your identity? Do you find yourself feeling worthless when they don’t do certain things or choose a different path than what you “needed” them to, to feel whole or like you fit into their lives? If you can think of any of these scenarios you probably are putting some weight about your worth and identity on them and I encourage you to really second guess that and evaluate where you can shift your perspective.
You are your responsibility and that is it.
Your child’s safety and well being for the first 18 years is your responsibility, but their choices are not.
Be the kind of parent that your inner child needs.
Be the kind of parent that doesn’t make their child fear for their relationship with you if they choose something other than what they think you’d like for them.
Remove the heavy expectations and I can guarantee we will start to see the relationships we have with our children start to flourish.
They’re going to choose what they want to do whether we like it or not and the ball is in your court with how you’re going to respond.
Be strong and firm in your worth so they can be strong and firm in theirs.
Lead by example and teach them that their identity does not lie in what they do or who they please but in who they were created to be and by whom.