No Mirrors
I haven't talked about music I like in awhile,
I guess there hasn't been a lot that's resonated with me and frankly, I love that Sophie does music reviews and we listen to a lot of the same music so I like to leave it to her.
That being said this last week I came across this new album from Sasha Sloan, one of my favorite artists and it's floored me. Every single song on the album has brought me close to tears because it's just so relatable and I feel like she understands me. In particular the third track on the album “House With No Mirrors” really got to me. I tend to think that I am generally confident but this song really cracked that right open and I realized how many things I'm still so self conscious about.
The premise of the song is how would I live if I didn't judge myself on every little thing? Take a quick listen before we move forward, it's a beautiful chill song.
“I'd be cooler, I'd be smarter
Probably be a better daughter
I'd jump in a pool without thinking twice
Take off my shirt like one of the guys
I would save a lot of money
I would say when I was hungry
I'd throw on some jeans, not know the size
Walk out the door and not wanna cry
If I lived in a house with no mirrors
Where the walls didn't talk back at me
Maybe I'd dream a bit bigger
If there was nothin' to see
If I lived in a house with no mirrors
Where the walls didn't pick me apart
Maybe my skin would be thicker
If I lived in a house with no mirrors”
I don't know about you but this is precisely how I often feel.
“Only if I... then I'd be...”
It's hard to go through each day confident in who you are when you're not even 100% sure of exactly who you are.
My identity, although I like to think it's rooted in Christ and getting there more and more everyday has often fluctuated. In fact I find that it kinda bounces back and forth depending on the day and what I'm facing. It's frustrating.
Some days all I can think about is my label as “mom” and how I'll never be anything but that. It's not true, I'm so much more, but it's easy to get stuck in that mindset.
Other days all I can focus on is how I'm not showing up “enough” or how I'm “failing” in my career.
Sometimes I even get so focused on how I'm being a bad friend or a bad wife or.. you get the point.
You may have noticed a pattern in my verbiage, a subconscious pattern that actually took me much longer to realize than it did you.
Everything that I believe my worth and identity is rooted in, on a day to day basis, it's all negative. It's all about how I'm not doing enough or how I'm not enough within myself.
Now I know these are lies from the devil himself but combatting them are hard.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg with how I feel about my varying identities.
Sasha dives into topics about anxiety, fear, struggles with weight and confidence and friendships- all things that I can relate to.
I mean the whole “if I lived in a house with no mirrors... I'd have sex with all the lights on and I wouldn't pull away from his touch if he said I was pretty I'd think that I was.” How many of us can relate to that? I know that especially with this postpartum season I'm in right now, it's definitely relatable. Not because my husband doesn't think I'm amazing and beautiful and worthy, but because I don't. And that makes me sad.
I truly don't have a solution for any of this, in fact it's really more that I'm telling you all of it because I think some of you may be going through it too and it's nice to know that you're not alone. Ya know?
I can't tell how you how to get to a good place because I'm still working on it myself. Time in the Bible, in prayer and listening to uplifting music is what gets me through the rough moments. Writing and singing helps me reflect and grow and intentionally being nice to myself and taking time for lots of self care helps me become a little bit stronger. I'm working on saying “yes” to more things, speaking my mind and doing what I actually want to do instead of what I think people want me to do. In a sense, it's choosing to turn away from the mirror and choosing not to peer into the uncomfortable details.
Thanks Sasha, for summing up exactly how I feel and reminding me to shut out all the mirrors and step into myself a little bit more unapologetically.