People Can Change
One of the biggest lies our society believes is that who someone was 5, 10, 15 years ago – even just one year ago or six months ago, is still who they are today.
There is this thought process that who you were in high school or college or even in your 20's is who you forever will be.
We as individuals want the chance to be redeemed from our stupid choices and words and given the grace to grow but yet we don't want to give others the same benefit of the doubt.
If you said “x” back then, that's what you must still believe. Right? ...not so much.
We are constantly being bombarded with new information, new belief systems and new experiences. These moments teach us and shape us and our opinions change as we grow and evolve, so really, shouldn't we drop the assumptions?
It's hard not to take things personally, I get it. That girl in high school whose words I will never forget, that's how I want to view her. But when I see her fighting against that same concept now, I can't hold her to who she used to be. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe that she saw the error in her ways, learned more, grew up and decided to change her actions and her behavior.
This doesn't just count towards things people say and do when they're younger, you have the ability to change at any time, we are all growing up, constantly.
Now I will note a few things that should be said here.
Your words do matter and you need to choose them carefully. Your words, even if you change them later, still leave a lasting impact on people. You shouldn't just spout things off while having it in the back of your mind that you can always change them later. Yes, you can, but the impact of what you did say will leave a resounding mark on those that heard them. I'm not saying that you should tip toe around your opinions and feelings, especially if you do have a well rounded opinion, but be conscious of who is around you, who you're talking to and how your words could impact them. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Do not flippantly say things without thinking through the possible consequences.
You can give someone the benefit of the doubt and still choose to not be around them- it's not an either/or. Furthermore, you need to know when to walk away.
Yes, people can change, but that doesn't mean that they all do. In situations where you're dealing with gaslighter’s, narcissists and abusers- you need to walk away. If their words are physically or mentally effecting your health, they are not someone that you need to be around. Hear me out because I'm speaking from experience here because I have a big heart and I tend to try to forgive and forget very quickly and want to “stick around” to help see or help someone change. You cannot be the one to change someone. You can plant seeds of truth, but they have to be the ones to dig deeper and cultivate those ideas. You are not going to be able to change anyone's mind. Not to say that you can't inspire them to change, but you personally cannot change them. This means that for those of you who just want to see someone “get better”, even if they are asking for help and drawing you in, you can point them in the right direction and then walk away. Because although an abusive person can change opinions and words and rescind things they've said, their personalities and behavioral tendencies are always going to be underlying. They're going to have to battle that if they really want to overcome them, but you do not owe them to stick around for it. You cannot fix them and they will abuse or manipulate or use you if you're not very careful and keep your distance.
We need to treat others the way we wanted to be treated and give grace. We've all said stupid things and made stupid choices, but if we want the grace to be able to change and evolve and later rescind things we've said, we need to give others the grace to do the same.
So what should you do when you encounter someone who has changed their mind or further developed a “more” supported opinion?
You shouldn't say “well that's not what you used to say”.
You should say “that's interesting/cool/insert adjective of choice that you believe that now. What made you change your mind?”
I think it's great to have conversations and learn more about how people are growing and learning, but there's a way to do that without attacking the other person or making them feel stupid.
We should be applauding those who are striving to learn more and hear from those around them. We shouldn't force people into learning or shame them, that's actually not going to help anyone and I tend to see that the more people yell about people needing to “educate” themselves (which is seriously a sour term now) the more people back away from it. We should be gently encouraging learning and hearing people's stories in various multi-media ways. We should be gently encouraging open, non-judgmental, conversations about where we stand on certain issues. Some of us are so insistent that our way is right and that we must make everyone believe what we believe that we are actually hindering those around us from walking that journey and actually learning. We all have the same goal, but we must respect that we will each have a different journey to get there.
Let's start applauding those who “change their minds”.
Let's stop questioning every little thing people say.
Let's start encouraging positive conversations without judgment.
Let's stop the shaming and welcome in grace for one another.
Let's encourage our children to never stop learning.
Let's stop turning against each other for differing opinions.
Let's respect the process that we are ever changing.
Let us give people the benefit of the doubt that they can change.
Politicians, celebrities, law enforcement officers, your local deli guy- they can all change and they're allowed to change, just as you are allowed to change.
That is the beauty of freedom.