I believe babies know how to grow in the womb. I believe babies know how to be born. In the same way, I believe babies inherently know how to learn. I’d argue that all of the things we are being sold on by advertising companies, working with influencers, is crockery, or crookery, rather.

✔️ Black and white toys.

✔️ Jumpers

✔️ Swings (don’t get me wrong, loved this, but not necessary)

✔️ Walkers

✔️ Seats

✔️ Electronic, talking toys

✔️ Honestly, most toys

✔️ Specialty dishes & chairs and mats and literally all of it.

Convenient? Most of the time.

But definitely not necessary. I’d even go as far as to say that some can be more harmful than helpful.

Whether it’s a toy that’s overstimulating, a baby container taking too much time away from bonding and snuggling your newborn, to a walker or jumper that is putting too much strain on their developing bones, muscles & joints, there are valid reasons you don’t need the majority of these items.

Don’t get me wrong, I utilized a lot of the items that I am going to talk about today. I also have regrets about a majority of them. I wish I would have asked for postpartum support instead of 30 types of sleep sacks and onesies and bottles.

If I had to set up a baby registry again it would only consist of a car seat, a hand pump, a white noise machine, a baby carrier and diapers. I am 100% serious. Everything else I could have acquired along the way, adapted from my house or simply gone without.

Obviously you need clothes as well, but even those I would have reduced to 10 items TOTAL per age range.

1. Having one place to set your newborn safely down, I’m all about it. A simple bouncer will do. But 3 or 4 places? Nope. What about a baby carrier instead or a pack n play where they can lay down safely, with room to explore the air and space around them?

2. Ditch all of the formulated toys. A few simple contrasting items is enough to keep their brains stimulated. In fact, the less you try, the more their imaginations are going to grow and form as they explore the world that they were just introduced to.

3. I would stop trying to distract my baby all of the time. Stop trying to put them in tiny boxes and containers where they are confined. Let them crawl around and explore. Let them join me in household tasks. Let them play independently and feel bored and what it’s like to have people walk in and out of a room. It is okay for your baby to express emotion.

   
   

We live in a society that says “never let your baby cry”. In our innovative, advertising-heavy, self-obsessed world, we’ve translated that to “never let your baby be in a situation where they would feel the need to cry”. In response we fill up our days around our children. We arrange our schedule around when they need to eat, play, nap and go to bed. We never let them get bored, instead we throw on a show. We never want them to feel uncomfortable. But there comes a point when we have to be honest with ourselves.

Are we truly meeting our child’s cues and needs or are we training them to be completely codependent on us because in actuality, we don’t know who we are if we aren’t caring for them?

We condition our children to never examine their own needs because we’ve got them on a such a regiment and schedule that we are always meeting the need before they have time to feel it, ponder it or express it. Then we wonder why we feel burnt out, not ourselves, distant in our friendships and relationships and completely touched out at the end of the day. In this scenario, we become only mom and a slave to this role. We are not putting on and wearing the “hood” of motherhood, we’re letting it wear us right into the ground.

It is not wrong for you to eat, you need to.

It is not wrong for you to shower, you need to.

It is not wrong for you to be dating your husband and having regular sex, you need to.

It is not wrong for you to exist within and apart from, your children.

Your motherly intuition and love for your children can exist as a part of your DNA and you can also still prioritize your needs.

How does this all relate to postpartum preparation?

As a part of preparing for birth of your child and subsequently the postpartum season that follows and doesn't seem to let you out of its grip for months to years, it’s important to learn how to prioritize yourself and your healing, just as MUCH, if not more, than showering your child with things that they don’t even need. This mindset and learning how to acknowledge your needs starts even in this preparation.

• There are seasons of rest and there are seasons, especially freshly postpartum, that are harder than others and require more help, more grace and more resources. You don’t want to let those seasons turn into months and into years. You matter and it’s shouldn’t be the “norm” that you as the mothers, slips away.

• We have a choice in how we prepare. Yes, even those of us who struggle with mental and physical health; and I can speak on this because I’m right there with ya.

• You have to be pro-active. This means during pregnancy, planning for postpartum. It is too much to figure out when you’re in it, trust me, I’ve tried.

There has never been a time in history, until now, that the societal expectation around postpartum is: “go it alone”, “hide”, “let no one in". I understand not bending to family members who will make things worse, but I also need you to realize that every other group in history, in the world, spent their postpartum season being loved on and served by the women in their communities. They accepted that help, acknowledging that this process is bigger than ourselves. It requires support and selfless acts of service and we must train our minds to receive that, no matter how uncomfortable it might feel to ask and accept help.

Practically, what does this look like?

1. You need to spend more time arranging for postpartum support than you do planning your baby shower and figuring out your registry. In fact, having these plans in your mind when you approach your community to celebrate this new life, gives you the opportunity to ask for what you actually need. That is not the $1200 stroller, FYI.

2. Ask for active support, plan for meals, plan for supplements and foods and activities and people to check in on you to make sure that your mental and physical health and rest are being supported. Have practitioners lined up (Pelvic Floor, Cranial, Chiro, Doulas) to help support you. If the finances aren’t there, which trust me, right there with ya- prepare and prioritize or line up family, friends or your church. Ask for what you need, make it clear that some of this may change once you’re “in it”, but set the precedent for what you really want and need.

3. Even if you have to take it one week, per task, at a time, make sure that you’re checking in with yourself in the following areas. If not, ask someone to keep an eye on them for you. How are you eating? How is your hygiene? Are you doing things that bring you joy? Are you moving, even just a gentle walk around the backyard? Are you supporting your organs with foods and vitamins that are nourishing and replenishing? Fun fact: your first year postpartum is the prime time to revitalize your liver, your kidneys, your brain and your blood. Pregnancy and postpartum and subsequently nursing, drains the life out of your supply of nutrients and vitamins.

4. After 12 weeks or so have a plan for how you want to start taking care of you again. This does not have to be set in stone and should be flexible because every birth and recovery process looks different. With my first I was ready to get back to life around the 6ish week mark. With my second, I was dragging my feet at 12 weeks and wanted to stay in my postpartum cocoon for a little bit longer. You don’t have to be fully back in the swing of things, even by 12 weeks, it takes about a year or more. It is encouraging to know, especially in the thick of it, that around 12 week is the point at which your baby is starting to become aware of the world around them and you might feel a little bit more ready to try and do a few things for yourself. Have awareness but also grace if this is not the case.

The lack of a sex drive, postpartum hair loss, skin issues, gut issues, fatigue levels- they’re all linked to the normal postpartum process. It’s important to note that normal doesn’t mean ideal and there is more that you can do for yourself. I encourage you to support your body more than ever. You can’t help the fact that your cortisol is going to be higher because you will be up more and sleeping less this first year, it’s a fact of life. If we know the odds are already stacked against us, we need to be doing everything to support ourselves in every other way. This is why setting up support is crucial. Because once you’re in it, it can be really hard to acknowledge that you’re struggling or even realize that you are, until it’s too late. This support can be as simple as a friend who is willing to tell you if they sense that something is off and you need more support. Have these conversations before you have your baby so that you’re more than prepared.

Why did I start this post with talking about all of the baby things you don’t need? Investment.

Maybe I’m in the minority, but I don’t think I am. Most of us don’t have unlimited money and resources to invest into stocking our baby supply closets and postpartum services. Most of us have a small support system and we want to utilize them in the best way possible. This means that you might have to be a little strategic in how you prepare for the postpartum season and how you celebrate your new arrival.

Do you really need those 150 items on your baby registry or can you ask for a postpartum doula to come and cook for you?

Do you really need the fanciest car seat and stroller combo or could you set aside some money for an IBCLC or a good chiropractor?

You get the point.

Motherhood is full of intentional choices, learning how to accept support and learning how to truly nurture yourself and your child and your space. I encourage you to start that process now. Learn how to set boundaries and prioritize the things that truly matter earlier in the life of your child and it will make a world of difference. It’s also really important to note that not everyone is going to be in a financial or relational situation to set up support in this way. I really just encourage you to do the best you can and trust for God to provide exactly what you need, each day. Even if you have everything set up “perfectly”, people will let you down, things will fall through, emotions and recovery can go haywire and you’re going to have to rely on God to get you through and provide. He will.

xo - Ry