You've finally met them-

the partner of your dreams.. or so you think. They meet all of the criteria, you're physically attracted to them and they seem to meet your emotional needs. It's a match made in heaven.

But you're still in that honeymoon phase. You may say that you can just be yourself around them but in reality you're still holding back. Maybe you have trust issues or maybe it's just that you're afraid that they'll run away if you get too serious, too quickly.

But can I invite you to look at things a bit differently for a second?

In our society we're told to wait and to hold back when it comes to sharing the serious things in a relationship. We're told that we need to handle things all on our own until we're married and that you don't want to unload the serious topics, emotional baggage and issues until you're in it “for good”. Let me ask you this, if this was truly the best course of action, wouldn't our divorce rates be significantly lower?

I mean why do I scroll through mommy & marriage groups on Facebook and see post after post of women complaining about the fact that they're not on the same page as their SO's about anything? They don't agree religiously, leaving the issue of how to raise their children. They don't agree financially and they're swimming in debt. They never worked through physical issues with one or both partners and so there is a feeling of dread and disconnection that radiates to every other part of their relationship.

It blows my mind that people can be in serious relationships or even married and not have taken the time to talk through and work through these major issues.

Part of me wonders if it's because we encourage not talking about things until later in the game and then we assume where our partner's stand and then instead of actually communicating we figure it will all work itself out and we go on our way? The other part of me wonders if we just get too afraid to tell them how we really feel so we create a facade and run with it until it's too late to really tell the truth? Either way there is a lot of miscommunication happening- or a lack thereof- and there is a major lack of trust.

I think a lot of people (especially younger folks) feel like if they were to talk to about serious topics and serious personal experiences early on that they would scare their love interest away. To be honest, I think that's completely right. But rather than establishing that as a law of nature, I see it as a really great test. You just have to be committed enough to that person to administer or take the test. If you talk through these things and establish a strong line of communication in the early parts of your relationship, you're not moving too fast, you're actually just finding out if that person is right for you. You're finding out if you're truly compatible and in my opinion, you're loving them more than if you don't talk about those things for the “sake of saving your relationship”. By the way- that's a form of settling. If you actually want to save your relationship you'll have those conversations so that if they don't go well you know that they're not right for you and you'll save both of you even more heartache by cutting it off earlier than if you had waited to have those conversations.

It's a scary leap, there's no doubt about that, nobody wants to go back to the starting line. But you're much better off having those conversations early on then before you get super attached. There's nothing wrong with letting them unfold over time and growing together as you share the intimate details of your life, but the more you hold back, the more of a disservice you're doing to yourself and your partner.

If you want to set yourself up for success in your relationship, talk to your significant other. If they're weirded out by you talking and they draw away or ghost you, they weren't in things for the long run anyways. As much as that is unfortunate, you have to put your heart first.

Now I'm not saying to bring up politics on the first date (like I did) or money on the second (like I did), but you definitely want to get these topics out of the way pretty soon. Once you've established a bit of trust you want to talk through emotional issues, past relationships, any baggage or trauma you're carrying around and allow the other person to see what they're working with.

Relationships are a lot about molding to one another and growing together. If the other person doesn't know what all they're dealing with, it's going to be difficult to truly graft onto one another.

I think that talking about the serious things is part of the reason why Dustin and I have a really open sense of communication. We agree on pretty much everything and we work very well together and I truly chalk that up to the fact that we talked about the hard stuff from the get go. We didn't hold back. It was part of the reason we gained such a strong connection and why we decided to get married so quickly, because we didn't beat around the bush. We both knew what we wanted and when we found that in each other we didn't play any games, we just went for it.

To the outside world the pace of our relationship was immature and way too fast- but I truly think that's just because the world isn't used to healthy relationships. We're used to constantly dealing with zero communication, seeking help from outside sources (other than counselors) and grasping to find validation for unhealthy habits and behaviors. When we see examples of healthy relationships- moving at a “fast” but in all actuality- normal- pace, we get insecure about our own relationships and cast judgment on those individuals. If you know you do that out of your own jaded view, stop- it's not helping anyone. If you're trying to move forward with your relationship and you're confident in it- regardless of how long you've been together or how old you are- go for it, don't let anyone rain on your parade. (Unless you have friends and family members warning you about signs of abuse, then you should stop and at least hear them out.)

To wrap this up, if I were sitting across from you giving you advice about your new relationship I'd look you straight in the eye and say:

“Don't wait to let them in to see who you really are. You are amazing and you don't need to play any games or follow any rules. Let the relationship flow and if they're right for you they will love you and accept you for who you are and you will love and accept them for exactly who they are. It will click and things will work.”

Love and be loved,

xoxo – Ry