Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It’s a day for those of us who have lost children whether in utero or on this side of earth to memorialize our precious babies who we didn’t get enough time with. It’s a day for us to feel, to remember, to share and to sit with one another in our grief- whether in the early or later stages.

It is a beautiful day and one that I encourage you to acknowledge even if this isn’t a pain you’ve felt before because I guarantee that someone close to you has felt it. 1 in 4 women have lost a baby and 1 in 6 have had recurrent losses and most don’t feel like they can speak about them. I am thankful for the strides we have made in breaking this wall and speaking out about our babies even when it’s uncomfortable. I know a lot of women will share today their various experiences and perspectives and so for a second I want to take the time to share mine because I think a lot of women who are caught in this grey area will be able to relate.

Some of us never get to meet our babies. Not even on a screen.

The lines never got darker. The joy was quickly overshadowed by cramps.

The excitement of sharing new life was snatched and retracted.

Embarrassment for getting hopes up.

Crushed from the weight of what could have been.

Death occurring inside causing a pain that cannot be described.

It’s all real, even if you never got that confirmation call from your doctor.

Even if you didn’t know until you were in the process of losing your baby.

Even if you didn’t want to be pregnant or you weren’t expecting it.

Even if it wasn’t the right time.

Even if you weren’t sure how you felt about it.

There is no guilt, no shame and you are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling because your loss is real and just as significant as any other.

For the longest time I thought that meant that my loss was insignificant or not real because I never got that first appointment. I never got that ultrasound or confirmation of life from a screen.

There were just tests and “you were, but now you’re not” and home tests and then lots and lots of blood.

There was waiting and hoping and even now with my 10 month old rainbow baby crawling around me, there’s still this anxiousness about the waiting and the in-between that occurred in that season. There is still the “what-if” and the weight of who they would’ve been as I see who he is. I wouldn’t have him if I had them, but because the Lord is good one day I will have all of them.

They had life. They have life. They are people. They are a person who is not a “could have been” but one who is existing in heaven right now. An earthly loss, but an eternal gain.

Whether you just found out about them, you found out after it was too late or you got to know their sweet profiles or hold their little toes - your loss is real, it is significant and you have every right to mourn. The could have beens are overwhelming, the memories lost are monumental and you are so strong for continuing forward and getting up every day because of a loss of a child is a pain unlike any other. This pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day I see you, I remember your baby, I call them by name, and I hold you as you hold them in your heart.