“little girl”

Those words popped up on my screen almost two years ago during an altercation with a very toxic person in my life. In fact it was during the very altercation that allowed me to have to never speak to them again.

What a rollercoaster that relationship was. It went from a place of idolization to “mentor ship” to me being the mentor to the realization that she was far too dependent on me to complete toxicity.

I’ve dealt with a lot of toxic-for-me people in my life but this was probably the worst I’d ever experienced. I couldn’t sleep sometimes worrying about how I made her feel – someone almost twice my age – and I held a lot of guilt and shame. Yet that stemmed only from the fact that I wasn’t around for her 24/7 (literally, we lived together) and she became increasingly more upset and controlling the closer I got to Dustin. It was a weird relationship looking back, so many red flags. But I guess that’s why hindsight is 20/20.

She was a narcissist.

Manipulative.

Controlling.

One minute she could make me feel like I was on top of the world and the next like I was the scum of the earth- for normal things.

I’d allow her to dump her emotions and issues- even incredibly inappropriate ones on me.

I say allow because I pulled up my bootstraps and did it considering myself “a good friend” but again looking back, some of the situations I ended up in were really manipulative and uncomfortable for me.

I was always the “accommodater”, the one who kept my cool when she was losing it (which was about everyday) and I was for the lack of a better term, used as a punching bag.

Knowing what I know now I was verbally abused by her, emotionally manipulated and honestly the fact that I am just now able to process this now, almost two years since it ended, makes me realize just how much damage she managed.

I can’t lie. I am a people pleaser. I like to make people happy. I like to help them carry their burdens and make their lives easier. The people I care about take top priority and I will drop literally everything to make sure they’re taken care of and I’ll go above and beyond to make them feel special.

It’s part of who I am and it’s also a part of me loving in the way that I want to be loved, yet few have ever been able to live up to those same expectations. It’s been a learning process for me- learning to let go of expectations and just feel loved.

But this is also a part of me that can get into trouble very easily. You see because I am the way I am, I attract narcissists into my life. They love to use me and I can sniff them out from a mile away, as long as I’m not already too deep into the relationship. That only happens when I don’t listen to my intuition which is fairly strong. The Holy Spirit often gives me insight into people long before they open up to me or before I experience who they truly are. This is interesting to me because I can look back on a pattern in my life and the times that I have entertained narcissists and allowed them to have a hold on me has been when I haven’t been close to God. It’s like I walked away from my compass knowing full well I’d be back for it because I’d be utterly lost and completely hurt.

My cycle with the five or six major narcissists who I’ve let “run” my life at various times have looked like this...

I meet a person who interests me either because they have a good opportunity for me to get involved in or because I see something in them that I want in my life.

I get to know them and I give everything of myself immediately. I share my entire life story, they usually only share bits and pieces. They hold the cards now.

They start to take me up on my offers of being helpful and there for them. They start small and with no strings attached but they quickly evolve and before I know it I’m a puppet on a string.

This is when their real personality comes out and I am desperate to get away but also so co-dependent on their opinion of me that I just can’t turn my back.

After usually months and in some cases, years, of dealing with the manipulation and abusive language & actions I finally get the courage to walk away and in some cases say what I need to say and then cut them off.

That last part is always the hardest part.

Because even though I cut them off, I dwell. I dwell on what I could have done better, I dwell on my own stupidity and I sometimes even have too much empathy and I still continue to care about their lives, knowing full well what was done to me. I invest too much. It’s both a blessing and a curse.

These narcissists though, man are they good at what they do. They know just how to make me feel terrible. Whether it’s milking one last task out of me or fulfilling their lack of self worth by tearing me down, I always walk away feeling like a total piece of crap. It really breaks my self confidence down.

When I was walking away from the situation I was talking about above, it was particularly nasty. For once in my life instead of silently walking away and cutting them off, I actually stood up for myself. Once it was made clear that I couldn’t cordially walk away, I stood up for myself a little bit and I unleashed an ugly beast. My character was questioned and ripped to shreds, lies about who I am were freely spewed and knowing exactly where my weak spot is, having held all of the cards, she went in with the snarky “little girl” comment.

This was over text message but she knew what she was doing with those words. I cried a lot. Not only because I realized how much of my life I had formed around her and how much of my identity I needed to refigure out, but because I had to mourn the fact that I was always a tool to her. I had been played like a violin.

In that final altercation she used a weapon against me, even though I had been nothing but kind and cordial in trying to walk away, that struck a nerve.

I’ve always been older than I am and ahead of my peers with lifestyle choices. It’s part of who I am and it’s a toxic part of myself that likes to be praised and thrives on that. In my mind, even if this isn’t true, “little” means inferior and weak and I’ve always strived to be superior and stronger than others. Like I said, it’s a slightly toxic trait when dwelled upon and idolized, but it’s mine nonetheless. But when someone comes in and acts like I’m inferior, especially because of my age, it hits a big ole red button. It’s like a punch in the gut as they look past everything I’ve accomplished and done. Being called a little girl makes me feel inferior, incapable, weak and vulnerable.

She knew that and she used it to get me to shut down. She wanted the final word so she could feel like she was in control and like her game hadn’t been figured out. Even though I was the one walking away she couldn’t handle rejection so she had to say something that would get me to shut down so she could have the final word, twist the story and claim that she got rid of me because “I wasn’t serving her anymore”. That meant to her that I was hurting her lifestyle and stopping them abundance from flowing- in all reality I was stopping some of her “abundance” because I literally wasn’t serving her hand and foot anymore. Even though I was claimed to be appreciated, it was only ever once and awhile. Just enough to keep me around. Again, narcissist.

So why do I tell you this whole story? Why am I publicly processing this after so long?

Because I want to warn you. I want to warn you about being a narcissist and warn you about spotting them.

Stopping the Inner Narcissist.

One observation I’ve made about myself is that although I don’t believe I’m truly a narcissist, I believe there’s a reason I can spot them so well. I believe that I do have narcissistic tendencies myself and that if I’m not careful I can do to others what’s been done to me. That’s a line I have to very consciously and carefully walk so I never make anyone feel the way I’ve felt. I know this about myself because people in my life who want the best for me, regardless of how I’ll react, have warned me about these tendencies. If you are blessed to have someone like that in your life who you can trust and you know has your best interest in mind, listen to them. Look at yourself and start evaluating how you make people feel when you’re around them. Is there someone who’s always at your beck and call who you know you could get to do anything for you just by uttering a few carefully crafted words? Be wary of that. That’s a sign. I can’t go through them all because it’s hard to be conscious about narcissistic qualities but they become more apparent the more time you spend in meditation, prayer and self reflection. Ask to be shown what traits you could work on to make the people around you feel more loved, you’ll quickly see your problem areas. It’s up to you to work on them.

Spotting the Narcissist.

Some people you don’t spot until it’s too late. I’ll talk about walking away in a moment, but you’ve got to know how to identify them as well. A few red flags to look for:

🚩 They are all over you at first. Everything you do is incredible and they love to compliment you in the form of asking you to “do that thing they love” for them because it would be such an honor.

🚩 They act like the attention is all on you but quickly hijack the situation & conversation.

🚩 They change drastically depending on who they’re around.

🚩 They talk horribly about people they claim to love.

🚩 You often catch them in lies or bending the truth.

🚩 They promise grand gestures all of the time and rarely follow through, just enough promise to keep you around.

🚩 They have the power to make you feel incredible one second and like total crap the next.

🚩 You often feel an obligation to them because of “all they’ve done for you”, but if you step back and look, they’ve done jack squat or put in very minimal effort.

🚩 They talk a lot to confuse you and make up for the lack of action they take.

🚩 Something is ALWAYS wrong and you feel obligated to fix it and make them feel better.

🚩 If you gather the courage to tell them how they hurt you, it always gets turned back around on what you “did” wrong or could do better. Apologies are shallow or non existent.

I could go on for hours about spotting a narcissist but at this point if you have one in your life you’ve probably realized it by now. So what’s next?

Walking Away

Now I’m not one to run from a situation, I’m fine with confrontation. I don’t think it’s healthy to run away from your problems, but there’s a time and a place for the people who need to stay in your life and those who don’t. If you’re at a place where you’ve tried talking it out, making your feelings known and nothing is changing or you’re only met with denial and hurtful backlash, it’s time to protect yourself and walk away. As much as it’s nice to say what’s on your mind, I don’t think it gets you anywhere but always wishing you had added more or said less. Don’t give that person any more attention than they’ve already been given. If you decide to walk away, do it entirely and don’t announce yourself. Stop showing up, stop answering texts and calls and rushing to do their bidding. Unfollow them on social media and stop midnight stalking them “just to see how they’re doing”. Stop asking mutual friends about them. Walk away and don’t look back. It’s going to take time for that hold they had on you to wear off, but you can do it, you just have to say no more and be done with it. Don’t not go to social events because they’ll be there, that’s allowing them to continue to have a hold on you. In fact you have to block out any fear you have about what they may think, say or do regarding you. A. Because they’ve probably moved onto another target. B. Their opinion isn’t worth it and that’s all they have- their opinion. The reality of narcissists is that although they talk a big talk, they’re typically too lazy and/or insecure to actually follow through with their threats. If anything, they’ll send another “subject” after you online or verbally, but they won’t do it themselves. So guard yourself and be aware. But know that you are stronger and that you’re being the bigger person by walking away and by caring for yourself.

Know that it’s okay to mourn the loss of someone in your life, even a narcissist. It’s a hard transition to lose a “friend”, especially one who claimed to care so much about you. It’s stressful. Just know that you will heal and it’s okay to mourn because you stuck around for so long because you had hope in who they were and you were hopeful about the idea of them, not who they actually were. It’s okay to mourn how you were treated and to even see a therapist, I mean you were in an abusive relationship of sorts. Whatever you were feeling, even if it’s sadness about losing them, even if it doesn’t make sense, is totally normal and you should take however long you need to heal. You’re going to be okay and guess what? They’re going to be okay without you too.

And most importantly, if you were drawn in, don’t shut yourself down and stop loving people and giving. Because I get it, those of us who narcissists prey on, we’re very loving and giving and it can be easy for us to shut that side down when we’re taken advantage of and hurt badly. But don’t let them rob the world of your beauty and joy and giving heart. Keep on giving but be alert and trust your intuition. Care for your energy and space and don’t let them stop you from being who you are.

They may have the perfect insult, but you have so much more than they will ever have.

Xoxo – Ry