To the girl who’s struggling I see you, I am you.

Whether it was with getting pregnant, staying pregnant, getting through delivery and recovery, postpartum, those early days with your baby, the sleep regressions, learning how to feed your baby and keep them alive, learning how to become this new version of yourself that you now are- whatever it is- I feel ya.

I struggled to keep a baby and then when I finally did- I struggled with my pregnancy.

It was hard. It was exhausting. And because of that I didn’t love it.

I never got the pregnancy glow or the boosts of pure joy- I was full of anxiety and it was always something.

I struggled throughout that whole pregnancy and I felt so much shame because I wasn’t just happy. I was never in a state of bliss and I wasn’t overjoyed like I thought I should be. I complained, I felt frustration and I felt like the worst mom in the world already.

I wasn’t.

And it’s okay.

It’s okay to be struggling right now.

It’s okay not to love the season you’re in.

It’s okay to feel like some days are impossible and like you’re not going to make it through.

But I promise you will.

Even if you’re not sprinting - or even walking - past that finish line, you’re still going to get it done.

I know it feels like you should be more grateful, like you should take every moment of sickness and pain with a big dose of happy and slap a smile on your face and if you don’t, you’re ungrateful and undeserving- but I promise you that’s not how this works. No matter what anybody says.

What you’re going through is life changing, earth-shaking and you’re changing faster than you ever have before in your time on earth.

I want you to know that you are stronger than you realize. And that doesn’t mean “sucking it up” and pretending to be happy, it just means that you will get through this because you can do hard things.

There’s this societal bar that’s set for how we should move through various experiences, the only problem is, the majority of people actually going through them would probably agree that the bar is completely unrealistic and not their experience whatsoever.

So if you’re miserable, you’re not in the minority.

If you’re already doubting your abilities, you’re not in the minority.

Even if you struggled to get pregnant and you’re feeling the pressure of “it’s here now, suck it up and be happy”- you’re not in the minority and you’re still allowed to not love every minute of it just like anyone else.

How you get to a situation doesn’t have to define what you do or how you feel while you’re in it.

And let me promise you this, it will set you up for motherhood.

Because walking it on this side of the womb is just as hard, if not harder, than pregnancy.

I don’t say that to discourage you, but to prepare you that it’s not going to get easier, at least not for awhile.

I’d even go as far as to say that it’s never going to get “easier”, but the challenges will shift and change and put more pressure on you in some moments over others.

The podcast this week was about postpartum rage and the shame that is associated with the pure anger that can come out of nowhere when you’re in that first year of recovery and growth. That one came barreling into me like a freight train and it really threw me off my groove. I was so confident that even though I hated pregnancy once my boy was here I would be overjoyed and happy all the time and the most grateful person I knew.

I was wrong.

I loved him- but there was a disconnect.

I was recovery from trauma, I was grieving my old life and wondering what the heck I had gotten myself into (yes, you can still feel this way even when you tried really hard for your sweet baby- it’s still a valid feeling) and I was trying to get to know this new little human who was demanding literally everything I didn’t have from me.

And when I would lose it, I felt shame. I felt like I was undeserving. I felt like a failure.

Part of it was the hormones, part of it was the adjustment and when those things eased up, it definitely got easier.

And I know it’s going to get harder again and that’s part of the reason why I’ve leaned so much into God and counting blessings and practicing eucharisteo so that when those moments come I can stay grounded in gratitude and let Him take that burden from me so that I can experience the joy that I have longed for- for such a long time.

It can be disappointing when you’ve wanted something for so long and for so many reasons or another, you just can’t experience the full joy that you were hoping for.

Now part of that is that we can’t put our joy and hope into anything but Jesus, because it will always, yes, even babies, let us down, but it’s also because we need to be so inner-connected with God so that He can take those burdens, ease the pain and help us find the joy even in the really hard moments.

I truly wonder how much better my pregnancy and early postpartum would’ve been if I was as connected then as I am now- but at the same time, I had to go through those things to be where I am now. Such is life.

I won’t tell you not to complain, because you will, it’s human nature and trust me- I did a lot of that and still find myself there.

What I will tell you though, is that it will get better and it will get better with so much more abundance with Jesus.

He gives such good gifts and they can be lived out in such a full and beautiful way when we accept them for how they’re supposed to be accepted.

It’s hard where you’re at, but it won’t last forever.

It’s still going to be hard with Jesus, He didn’t promise to take that away on this side of earth, but it will be so much more tolerable and easier with Him.

So to the girl who struggled or who is currently struggling, know that I see you, that I am you and that you are doing such a good job, even if you don’t feel like it.

You’re surviving and one day again, you’ll be thriving.

Try not to look at that hard parts as your permanent reality because they’re not, your load will eventually get lighter. The pain will soften, tasks will become second nature, your baby will grow up and won’t need you as much and you’ll start to feel like yourself again. It’s not forever— take it one day, one step at a time.

Acknowledge the hard because it’s the hard that makes the contrasting good so much sweeter.

xoxo - Riley