TW: Talking from a perspective of experiencing pregnancy loss & mention of bleeding.

I'm writing this while 30 weeks pregnant although I'm sure you'll read this much later.

If you haven't heard I prepped a lot of posts for the few weeks I wouldn't be writing right after Hayden was born. I wanted to be able to take time off to love on and focus on my sweet boy but as an independent business owner and writer it's hard to just “take off”. Hence, the prepping.

Anyways, I actually had a lot of friends get pregnant in the few months following my own positive. It was really fun to be able to walk a few weeks ahead of them and give advice as I went through things myself. Every pregnancy is so different but there are a lot of things that do coincide and as someone who loves to give advice, I was happy to.

I'm a natural prepper, duh, but when it came to what I was going to be experiencing during pregnancy I let a lot of it come as it did. I didn't know too much until I was actually in the thick of it. I chalk this up to my two miscarriages and the fact that when you do finally get pregnant you're terrified during a lot of moments and so you just don't want to get attached to any outcomes or possibilities. Instead you praise God as you make it through each moment and milestone.

What I did love was once I was pregnant I'd research a little bit for every upcoming milestone. That's why I've been doing my trimester recap videos on Cinnamon for the types of people who just want an overall “what to expect”. But I really wanted to share a few personal details, just things I wish I had known before getting pregnant. These are things that are great for my friends who are trying or thinking about trying or maybe who are newly expecting and just trying to get a handle on everything. Some of these may seem a bit obvious but hear me out.

Your body is about to change.

A lot. Like a heck of a lot. Try to embrace it for what it is and realize that this is temporary and it's for a greater purpose. Some days you're going to feel very annoyed with your body but do your best to love on it, it's doing a lot right now. Focus on comfort and staying comfortable. Way easier said than done but it's temporary. Even if you've had a loss and feel like you need to be “loving” every moment of pregnancy it's okay to not. Pregnancy itself is very hard on the body. Your organs are being shifted around, your back is carrying much more weight between your abdomen and your chest, your feet are carrying more weight, your body is retaining more liquids and pumping way more blood than normal, your skin is dealing with an overload of hormones and is being stretched every which way. No wonder things are going to look and feel different. Take all the naps, eat what you need to support yourself, drink as much water as you can and don't push yourself too hard.

You can feel what you need to feel without judgment.

If you've experienced pregnancy loss or any kind of loss of a child and you're pregnant it's very normal for you to have trauma that you're still holding onto. It's normal to hold back from falling in love with your baby and feeling a lack of connection with them, it's your body's way of trying to protect you from getting hurt even more. It's okay if you're sad sometimes that you missed out on moments with your other baby(ies). It's okay if you find yourself happy and overjoyed about little moments with the baby you're currently carrying. Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel and don't let anyone tell you that what you're feeling is right or wrong.

Prenatal depression is a thing.

I wasn't prepared for this one at all. I was prepping for postpartum depression but I came to find out early in my second trimester that prenatal depression is also a thing. I got my prenatals changed and started moving more and drinking a ton more water and that helped, but I still go through bouts of feeling like I'm not good enough, I'm not prepared and like I'm going to be a horrible mother. I get overcome with fear and anxiety and sadness. Just know that if you're going through this that it's normal and it's okay to feel how you feel. Even if you've experienced a loss and you feel like you should be overjoyed during every waking moment, realize that the pain and the discomfort of pregnancy and the raging hormones are going to make you feel however you feel. And that's okay. Talk to your doctor, talk about your diet and how you can better support your system and try to spend time doing things that make you happy. Keep in mind that some women experience this all the way up until delivery and even after. Every situation is different so don't judge yourself, just lots and lots of grace.

Gender disappointment is very real.

I didn't actually know about this until I was experiencing it. I even did a Cinnamon video on it. But it is very real and it's okay if you're feeling it, even if you've experienced pregnancy loss. When we first see that positive a lot of us start imagining and dreaming up what our baby is going to be like and we subconsciously assign them a gender. We start daydreaming of the things we're going to do with them and a lot of times those things are gender specific. In my case I had always dreamed of having a girl and so it was hard for me to grasp onto the idea of having a boy. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to connect with him and that he wouldn't love me the way he loved his dad. What's important to remember in this case is that it's okay to feel whatever you're feeling. Feeling this way doesn't mean that your baby isn't just as loved or wanted. Allow yourself all the time you need to process and then when you're done mourning the baby that you're letting go of, start to get to know the baby that's growing inside of you. It'll get easier the longer they're in there, the more they start to kick and move around and when you see the farther along ultrasounds where they're distinctly formed. I promise it will get better and you don't have to allow anybody to make you feel guilty for feeling what you're feeling.

Bleeding doesn't automatically mean it's over.

This is scary and as someone who has experienced two miscarriages bleeding was my worst nightmare. I was five or six weeks pregnant when I started bleeding, turns out it was implantation bleeding. I was unaware of this until it happened but apparently this can occur all the way up to like eight weeks, it's not just immediately following fertilization like most women believe. As soon as that bleeding stopped around seven or eight weeks I had a bad bloody episode. I thought for sure I was having a miscarriage because there was a lot of really dark red blood and that's not usually good. After calling the 24/7 midwife line that I had access to at the time I was informed that I wasn't automatically “out” and that we needed to monitor the bleeding and come in for an ultrasound the next day. That was the scariest night of my life and I pleaded with God to let me keep this baby. The next morning we went in and she immediately found Hayden's heartbeat. She then spotted the cause of the bleeding, a Subchorionic Hematoma. Basically I had a pocket of blood between my uterine lining and the placenta. As he started to grow and move around it “popped” that little pocket and I bled. It was explained to me that as long as I didn't have a ton of cramping and the blood started to lessen up that everything was most likely going to be okay. Within two weeks the bleeding stopped completely and Hayden was unharmed. All of that to say, I know bleeding is terrifying and it's the last thing you want to see when you're pregnant but don't completely give up until you know for sure what the root cause of it is. My affirmation during early pregnancy when I was the most scared was “Until a doctor blatantly tells me that there is something wrong with me or my baby I am safe, they are safe and my body is strong and capable”.

You are your best and most likely only advocate.

I'm going to give more examples below in a few points but you need to know that you are your best and most likely only advocate. When it comes to getting appointments, getting your doctors to listen to you, getting into physically see your doctor (thanks Covid), getting more information if you think something is wrong and learning about the choices you have throughout your pregnancy and labor and delivery, it's on you. You need to educate yourself, make your choices known and advocate for yourself.

Your relationship is going to be tested.

Even if your pregnancy was planned and you were trying your relationship is still going to be tested. Pregnancy, as exciting as it is, can be very stressful. Your body is going through a lot of changes and you're trying to figure things out. You're 100% focused on prepping for the baby and sometimes you can start to drift away from your partner into baby land. They may be excited but their connection with the baby just isn't the same as yours is. Give each other grace to feel what you're feeling, give each other patience as you figure things out and love on one another as much as possible. Talk through expectations for labor and delivery and postpartum. Let your expectations be known and invite your partner to learn with you. They should know what's coming and what you're going to need from them. Especially if this is your first it's the last time it'll ever just be the two of you. Don't take that for granted.

Time is going to be weird.

The first trimester will crawl, the second will fly and the third will feel like an eternity but at the same time you blinked and it's done. Treasure every moment you have while it's still just you and your partner. Enjoy the moments you have left to yourself. You'll still have some after the baby is here, it's just going to be different, in a good way. Life is always changing and evolving and although we know that it can be hard not to get caught in the middle of nostalgia and “who am I?”. That's why I encourage you to treasure the time that you have while you're in this season. Don't rush it.

There is a lot to research.

There is so much to learn about your pregnancy, tests and choices made in pregnancy, labor and delivery, postpartum and how to care for your baby from the moment they enter the world. It's a lot and it can be really overwhelming. But here's the deal, you don't have to figure it out all in the beginning, break it up piece by piece. You have roughly 9 months from the time you find out you're pregnant, if you find out early, before you deliver. I recommend that in your first trimester you research choices that you need to make towards the end of your first trimester/beginning of your second trimester. These include pregnancy vaccinations, the glucose test, diet choices, scans and genetic testing. I also recommend that you start researching baby products towards the end of your first trimester. This can help you when you're feeling absolutely awful and wondering how on earth you'll make it through. I promise it gets better and the awe of looking at baby things will make life better. Your second trimester is when you can start your registry and start researching how you want to do your nursery/baby space and this is a great time to start researching for your birth plan. Look into where you want to birth, your support team, choices you'll make during labor and where you want to labor and for how long. You can look into medication and coping alternatives, choices you'll make for your body and your baby's immediately after labor. Near the end of your second trimester or beginning of your third is a good time to start researching pediatricians and choosing one. I recommend waiting until the beginning of your third trimester to research sleep cycles and schedules/options, breastfeeding and pumping, baby care and learning the actual techniques to get you through each stage of your labor. This is when you can also finalize your work plans, leave and do anything that you want done before the baby. I recommend waiting on those big things until the third trimester because that's when they'll be the most fresh in your mind. Create notes on your phone to refer back to during labor and immediately following delivery if you want to!

You're going to want a doula.

Remember how I said you're your best advocate? Well when you're in labor you're going to need someone else. That's where a doula comes in. Your birthing partner should be there to support you entirely and it can be difficult for them to remind you of what you wanted to do when you're in immense pain or when they're arguing with a nurse over a choice in your birth plan. Even if your hospital or birthing center is in support of your birth plan and the right to choose, a doula can help you cope through the hard moments, be another rock of support when your partner needs a break and be there to remind both of you what you're there to do. Covid has taken away the choice to have more than one family member in the room with you but a lot of hospitals specifically are allowing doulas to be present in addition to your partner. I've already learned so much from my doula and I am 10x more confident going into birth with two support members than I was with just Dustin. I am choosing very delayed cord clamping, to not wipe the vernix off and immediate skin to skin for at least an hour with an attempt to latch within the first hour. I want Dustin to be able to be there and be present with me in these moments and for neither of us to have to remind the nurses of any of these options. That's where my doula can come in and communicate what we're choosing to do and defend any choices we're making if there is any opposition.

Education is so very important.

You're going to want to educate yourself on sleep and feeding schedules. Learn about breastfeeding and how to do it and troubleshooting issues. Learn about pumping and the pros and cons. Learn about common issues babies have like reflux. Learn about the care that you're going to receive in a hospital vs birthing center vs a home birth. Learn about procedures so that you know that you can have birth preferences and know which ones you want to choose. Write out your birth plan, write out reminders and tips that you can refer back to about breastfeeding and sleep and various care tips in the first few days.

No means no. It's also a complete sentence.

Like I said above, once you have your birth plan and know what you want, that's your choice. You can choose to change that at any time but it must be YOUR choice. Your doctor works for you and it's up to you to work with them to maintain the standard of informed consent. If you don't want a specific procedure done, like having your membrane swept or doing cervical checks before being admitted to the hospital, that's your prerogative. If you want an hour+ of skin to skin immediately after birth with delayed cord cutting until it's done pulsing and white, that's your choice. If you do not want to put Glucola into your system for your glucose test, you can find another option and choose that. A good doctor will inform you that you have choices and give you those choices. But unfortunately we are incredibly behind with maternal care and because of how many patients are smushed in your OB's schedule and maybe their lack of education beyond their medical school training, you have to advocate for yourself. You have the right to question any and all procedures, tests and choices being made about your body and your baby. If you're not comfortable with something you have the right to ask for an alternative or simply to say “no, thank you”. If they argue you have the right to walk away or if you'd like and you have the education to back yourself up, you can present the facts behind your choice and that's that. We have got to stop the cycle of medical abuse- that includes coercion, manipulation and verbal condemnation for not just “going with it”. You have the right to choose.

You can switch doctors.

I know the stress of the rush to get a doctor as soon as you see those two little lines. It's overwhelming. But listen, I know it's a pain, but if you're unhappy you can switch. I just recommend getting into one immediately because when it comes to hormones and everything doing what it's supposed to sometimes you need a little bit of extra medicinal support to get those hormones up. If you advocate for yourself and get into a doctor immediately that will help you significantly. Life will throw you curveballs. Covid for example, huge curveball. That doesn't mean that you don't get to have solid care. You're entitled to good care. If your doctors aren't wanting to see you, insisting on making you wait and choosing to not prioritize your concerns and see you in person, get a new doctor.

Coming from someone who switched three times, it's a pain, but I refuse to settle for crappy care.

You shouldn't ask for advice unless you want it.

Those same people will assume they can then give you advice for anything and everything. Too many cooks in the kitchen can end with hurt feelings, confusion and a lot of frustration. Find your sources that you trust and stick with them. In the end you need to trust your gut and realize that you're the parent. Everyone will always have their two cents, it's up to you whether you pocket it or throw it in the fountain.

Your birthing experience is just as important as a healthy baby.

If I had a penny for every time I've heard “all that matters is a healthy baby” I could buy.. a lot of things . This statement is usually geared towards mamas who want to have an unmedicated, natural childbirth. For some reason people have it in their heads that this is a dangerous route and if you want to be smart you'll take the meds and do everything the doctors tell you to without questioning. This is a very skewed and biased way of thinking and it's unfair to the whole “choice” aspect of childbirth. It is your body and you have choices about what goes into it and how you get your baby out of your body. Don't let anybody tell you any differently. An alarming rate of women experience birth trauma and a lot of them experience it because they weren't educated or aware of how to advocate for themselves and their birth experience. It is in no way their fault but unfortunately with the way the medical system is set up you have to know what you want and do it. You will have so many people tell you to let go of all your plans and expectations and that you just need to roll with what the doctors tell you because they're in charge and they'll give you your healthy baby. This is absolute bs and once again, your doctors work for you not the other way around and you, the mama, you're in charge. This is also a very unhealthy way of thinking because what about the babies who aren't “healthy”? They're just as important and loved an incredible. This statement really needs to get thrown out the window and if someone says it to you, say something. Let them know that no, you matter too and the goal is for you and baby to have a positive and supported birthing experience. Your mental and physical health is not secondary to that and it's rude to say so.

I know that was a lot of information but I hope you found it encouraging and helpful. Just know that in the end every pregnancy is so different and you have to give yourself lots of grace. Try not to compare yourself and take it day by day.

You've got this.

xoxo – Ry