It’s Not Personal
Welcome to the Solidarity podcast,
where we share stories to connect with one another, find comfort in life’s challenges & to celebrate the solidarity that is..
being a woman.
Like usual, I have Hayden with me today, so if you hear a little squeak, he’s chatting now in the background, that’s him.
Today’s encouragement is geared towards anyone who is struggling with getting pregnant, is pregnant or is healing from a loss.
As someone of you know I was just in that place in my life not that long ago, we experienced 2 miscarriages in 2019 and we didn’t end up getting pregnant until just about a year later in February of 2020.
Today I want to talk about the community factor that comes in when you start trying to have children. But first I have a letter I wrote that kinda encompasses my perspective of watching others get pregnant. To my dear friends, a lot of you know who you are, this is not geared towards anyone in particular. It’s the result of a combination of experiences. This is in no means trying to hurt anybody and a lot of us have talked about this and I’ll be reaching out to those of you who we’ve talked about this so you know it’s not geared towards you, but kind of an open letter to those who are experiencing the same things so they know they’re not alone. This is a very common thing to feel and it’s hard when you’re going through it.
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Hey it’s awesome you got pregnant on the first try:
I’d never ask you not to tell me because that’s your experience.
You’re shocked an excited as you should be.
It stings for me because that was my mourned experience but I’d never ask you not to tell me or villianize you for doing so.
It hurts but it’s actually not about me.
You’re not intentionally trying to hurt me, in fact you valued me enough to share your exciting news.
I’m so happy for you.
In fact I’m thrilled you didn’t have to go through what I went through.
And even though my mind says “hey she may still go through that, maybe she’ll feel what you’ll feel”- and it says that because it longs not to feel so alone. But that’s in reality, the last thing I want for you, because it’s hell.
So if I don’t say much beyond “that’s amazing, congrats”..
That’s why.
I don’t want to say something I’d regret since my brain and my heart are in two very different places.
One is mourning & jaded, the other elated & thrilled for you.
And the little piece of me that reminds me that my pain is not your fault is showing up and working double time.
So please, don’t take my silence personally.
Because I’d never want you to go through the boxes of tests and the months of waiting and the tears and the heartbreak and the anxiety of getting on Instagram & seeing announcement after announcement.
And I’m so happy you’re able to enjoy your news, I wasn’t so lucky the third time through because I had so much fear and I expected the worst.. every step I expected the worst.
Even now I write this while I watch my baby breathe at 1:52 am a month and a half later and *I* still cannot breathe.
So remember, I am so happy for you, I’ll show up and celebrate and ask you all the questions because you were always there for me and you deserve the same.
But if I quietly fade away or have little to say when you talk about how easy it was, don’t take it personally, I’m just still sitting with my own pain and letting it process.
It’s not personal, it’s just the business of healing myself.
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I want you to know that I see you wherever you’re at in your journey.
Whether you’re trying to get pregnant & it’s just not happening or you just experienced another loss or you’re finally pregnant but you’re terrified you’re going to lose your baby- I see you. I’ve been in all of those places.
I know how hard it is to be walking on your own path and then to factor in the ones you love around you who are on their own journey’s to becoming mothers.
My friend Cassie said the other day, “until you are trying to get pregnant you don’t realize how often people are pregnant”.
And it’s so incredibly true.
Until it’s on your radar you simply don’t realize. But the second that it is it’s hard to not take everything personally. Whether you’ve been trying for 6 months or 6 years.
It’s a hard path to walk.
So here’s a quick reminder.
If you’re trying & struggling, it’s okay to take a step back & listen to your intuition. Maybe one day you can be there for your friend & be excited! And then maybe the next you need a break.. you need to just sit with your feelings. You can do that without stealing their joy by simply stepping back. You don’t have to say much, because whether you realize it or not, they’re probably very aware and afraid of hurting you with their joy.
If you’re newly pregnant or a few months in & you know you are close with someone trying or experiencing grief from a recent loss, try to be sensitive. It’s so great if you got pregnant on the first or first couple of tries, but be super careful with who you share that with. It’s fantastic news, but that doesn’t mean it’s fantastic news for everyone. When you’re struggling to get pregnant or keep a baby once you are, you feel like something is wrong with your body and it’s easy to grow to hate it. And when you hear about someone else’s body working “as it should” it feels like there’s something that much more wrong with you & it can bring up past trauma. So even if you don’t intend that to be a harmful thing to say, just be super careful with your words.
It’s on both people to be intentional with their words & how they express themselves.
In the same way that you wouldn’t want someone to make you feel bad or take the joy from the excitement of your pregnancy, you want to be careful not to do that to someone else.
Pain has its place and it is so seen, just try not to take others down in the process of grieving. You can take a step back without announcing that you’re mad at anyone who is pregnant. You can feel deep hurt & sadness & frankly be pissed off, but be careful what you say. Because when you do get to that season where you’re welcoming a child into your life in one way or another, you’re going to want people to celebrate with you.
This is not an easy subject and it’s one that I certainly couldn’t speak on until after I had my own double rainbow baby who you hear in the background, who is currently spitting up down my sweatshirt.
It’s complicated & messy every step of the way. Because it’s not just the getting pregnant part that you have to be careful with, it’s the being frustrated because pregnancy is hard but you don’t feel like you can say that because of your struggle but it’s the truth & then motherhood itself being incredibly difficult but “how dare you say anything negative about getting what you’ve always wanted”. It’s a really tricky situation that we’re all constantly navigating in one way or another.
So I encourage you, give grace. Lots & lots of grace because we’re all trying to figure this out. With our first babies & our second & even our third. These feelings don’t go away just because we have one. I haven’t experienced it but secondary infertility is very very real & from what I’ve seen it is just as painful but isn’t socially acceptable to talk about because people don’t think you should be upset if you already have one baby. But that desire is real & valid & the experience is legitimate.
Let us all try to understand one another better.
Let us be intentional with our words.
Let us be filled with grace for our experiences.
Let us love each other with humility, sacrifice, patience & kindness.
John 13:34 says,
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”
If you enjoyed today’s episode please share with a friend who needs this encouragement, help me get the word out on social media and if you’re feeling it, subscribe and leave a review to help get it out to others on the algorithm who need to be shown some solidarity! Thanks again for listening and be sure to check back next Wednesday for a new episode!
As always, I’m so glad you’re here.
And we’re going to do a little bit of uplifting right now.
You’re wanted, needed and loved.
I see you, I hear you and you my love, by the grace of God, you’re enough.