A Hard Day With My Body
Welcome to the Solidarity podcast,
where we share stories to connect with one another, find comfort in life’s challenges & to celebrate the solidarity that is..
being a woman.
Recently I had a hard day with my body. That’s what I’m calling them now. Just hard days. I won’t make statements like I hate my body or I look gross because as easy as they roll off the tongue, it’s easy to believe and become stuck in that negativity. Now trust me, I’m not perfect, I say them sometimes but I’m really trying to work on it.
So anyways, I had a hard day and I thought I’d share my reflection at the end of the day because I’m pretty sure a lot of y’all may be able to relate.
Today I tried to wiggle into my pre pregnancy jeans.
I hit a small goal, one of them, and I got hopeful.
Still 30 lbs heavier than before I got pregnant, I was still hopeful.
But as I stretched and hopped that soft denim over my thick ole thighs I quickly knew that not only were they nowhere near zipping but all I saw was the skin & fat that spilled over the edges reminding me that I was no longer the woman I once was.
Tears started welling up in my eyes.
But I reminded myself that it was temporary and everyday my skin was tightening a little more and the pounds were shedding I just had to keep working hard.
So I hugged my baby close and I moved on.
A few hours later I was scrolling on Instagram and it hit me that my postpartum body is not like other postpartum bodies. The women who had babies a month after me, they’re already in their pre-pregnancy jeans. That stung and I suddenly felt less than & horrible. If only I had put down the fork, pushed myself harder to move, during pregnancy, I’d be there too. Instead I am searching for shape wear to try & feel sexy in a dress I have to wear for a party.
But then I took a step back & through the sadness I reminded myself that I did move. I did try & eat healthy and although I was far from perfect I tried really hard & pregnancy was excruciatingly hard but I did it & I did it the best I could with what I had & that was enough. So I snuggled my baby close & I moved on.
As my day went I seemed to pay extra attention to the jiggle in my step & the way my stomach fell across my hips, lower than it should.
Bending over I tucked it in.
I held it close as we kissed.
I squeezed it hard as I stepped on that scale.
The whole day I couldn’t stop thinking about it even after I noticed how much better it had gotten in comparison pictures from weeks prior. Still, I felt uncomfortable in my body.
That evening we sat with friends and I ate my Mexican food & I drank my drinks & I ate the dessert Dustin made and inside I cried a little because I hated what I just ate. It was delicious & the company was wonderful but I was beating myself up because I just saw each bite as another pound farther from my goal.
I saw my guests with such self control and I wanted to slap myself for drinking that second drink & eating that dessert. If only I had some self control.
And although I eat oats, salads & chicken bowls for every meal throughout my week with the occasional latte & reese’s cup with some skinny pop, every weekend I’ve found myself enjoying a meal that I end up hating myself for later. Because for my body even one meal sends me up the creek.
I feel hopeless & dark and I can’t help but beat myself up and compare myself to those with slimmer bodies that have more self control. But I knew mentally how sad I’d be if I gave it all up completely. Food is social & fun & mentally I need both of these things. So what comes first? It makes me question my worth & the way my husband sees me. The way I see me, it’s all confused.
And at that point I couldn’t even remind myself it was temporary because the cycle seems so, concrete. So instead I snuggle my baby close and I cry. It just feels impossible.
I never said it had a happy ending. Not everything does. But I think you can probably relate more to that than a sugar coated “all’s well that ends well” message, plus, it’s not over. It’s my life- it’s ongoing, this is just one chapter.
So what’s the point other than to get this off my chest & not feel so alone?
I’m not going to tell you to love your body unconditionally, or not compare yourself or fake it till ya make it because honestly that’s just lying to yourself. If that works for you, great, but to me that’s forced, toxic positivity & I’m just not here for that.
I’ve learned that I can both acknowledge the beauty that comes in being made in God’s image while also acknowledging that I don’t love how I feel right now and wanting to change that. I can co-exist with both of those facts, in both of those places.
So here’s what I’ll say. Love on yourself as much as you can but realize you’re not stuck. Take what you’re feeling & take action to make the changes you want to make for you and you alone. Whether you’re six weeks postpartum, six months, six years or hey, even if you’ve never had a baby, this applies to you.
You are beautiful and that’s got nothing to do with your weight or outward appearance.
You are strong and smart and capable of achieving whatever goals you’re striving towards.
It’s ok to want to lose weight, become a healthier individual, mentally & physically- just don’t lose sight of you. And if you feel like you already have, run towards those goals with everything you’ve got. You may just find that you rediscover who you are along the way.
If you enjoyed today’s episode please share with a friend, help me get the word out on social media and if you’re feeling it, subscribe and leave a review to help get it out to others on the algorithm who need to be shown some solidarity! Thanks again for listening and be sure to check back next Wednesday for a new episode! I’m super excited because I will be sharing someone else’s story next week.
As always, I’m so glad you’re here.
You’re wanted, needed and loved.
I see you, I hear you and you my love, by the grace of God, you’re enough.