Mom Guilt
Welcome back to the Solidarity podcast
where we share stories to connect with one another, find comfort in life’s challenges & to celebrate the solidarity that is, being a woman.
We only have 2 episodes left this season so I am excited to share today with you some thoughts I’ve had recently in my motherhood journey. Hayden is 16 months at the end of this week which is crazy but we are definitely feeling it.
He is really a lot of fun right now but I am also really exhausted. He is everywhere, all the time. He knows what he wants and at the same time has no idea what he wants which is pretty difficult and he is not quite talking yet which has made the communication element exasperating, to say the least.
It’s been really hard to not get frustrated with him. My natural response to tantrums, a lack of cooperation and whining is to yell. It’s what is engrained in me and it’s really hard to not snap. But that’s not the mom I want to be. I don’t ever want him to feel like he doesn’t have a voice, like he can’t have hard days or express his feelings and that I can’t be his safe place. That’s literally my job to be his safe place and to be the adult and handle things calmly and have patience even when I don’t understand or think his feelings should be valid, because the reality is that I’m not in his brain and so what he is feeling is valid and true, regardless of my perspective. The circumstances might not be completely evident to him or understandable but that doesn’t make his reaction and feeling towards a situation any less real for him and how I react to his feelings now will set the foundation and the bar for how I react as he gets older. If he doesn’t feel like he can cry or tell me if something is wrong now, he definitely won’t when he gets older if he thinks I don’t care or won’t give him the space he needs to process in whichever way he naturally processes. A lot, I know.
Sometimes for kids this is verbally, sometimes it’s physically and it’s just emotionally and any combination of that is fine. Now I’m not saying you’re gong to let your kid walk all over you and control you, but you don’t get to control their emotions either. Sitting with them while they cry and offering a solution and loving arms rather than telling them to get over or deal with it, is one way to affirm that feeling even if you don’t understand that. I like to think of it as, what would you want from someone else if you were feeling a really hard emotion or needed support. What would you want as an adult? We should be giving or kids even more of that. If they are a physical processor, give them a pillow to punch or a safe space to let out their anger or sadness. They don’t get to hit you but they can still process in a way that meets their bodies needs. Punching something that is safe and redirecting their physical emotion in a healthy and safe space will teach them to naturally redirect and process in a way that respects others. Simply ignoring it or telling them that they’re being bad only suppresses the emotion or makes it worse to the point where they will start to be physically violent with others, especially those who won’t or can’t stand up for themselves and that can lead to a cycle of abuse. And I don’t say anyone to guilt anyone who’s not handled these situations in this way because I certainly have not. But it’s really interesting in watching this movement grow of conscious parenting and being really intentional with how we’re reacting to our children’s emotions and trying to change the way we view feelings and emotions and the way that we process things. A lot of us now don’t have very healthy coping mechanisms for how we process so we end up either really anxious or depressed or we go within ourselves or we go outside of ourselves and try to disassociate or turn to substances or others things to try and cope. If we had healthy coping mechanisms for how to handle our emotions and support from the adults in our lives I think there can be a lot of great change. I’m not necessarily on the whole gentle parenting train. I think it can be great in a lot of ways but I also don’t think it serves some needs so it’s about trying to find a middle ground.
All of that to say, being a conscious parent takes a lot of work and it’s exhausting. And people can make you feel bad for handling your child in that way. It can also be easy to snap and lose sight of all of those intentions and yell at your child when you didn’t intend to. There’s a lot of room for error and it can lead to a lot of feelings of guilt.
Mom guilt is a really hard topic because we all feel it pretty much everyday. We feel guilty if we’re working too much and our kids are begging us to play but we just can’t. We feel guilty if we take a second to scroll on social media instead of doing the 3rd basket of laundry that day. We feel guilty if we take a shower that last a few minutes longer than you told your husband it would be. We feel guilty if we let our emotions run wild and yell and scream. We feel guilty if we don’t feel like cooking that night. We just feel a lot of guilt.
I saw a really good post the other day on Instagram from @momlife_comics and it was so relatable. She was sharing “The Mom Guilt Cycle” and basically it says “start here” and it says “Society tells mom that they should be able to do it all” then the next stage is “mom tries to do it all and she feels overwhelmed and anxious” and then “mom fails at doing it all because it’s impossible of course” and then “mom feels guilty and unworthy because she’s “failing at everything” and then “mom seeks answers & help from society” and then back to the beginning where society answers with telling mom that they should be able to do it all.
Isn’t that the truest thing ever? I know I’ve personally felt this many times in my life, if not daily.
I feel like my breaking point is with Hayden because he’s 16 months and I get so tired and I lose my mind so easily. He’s in that really weird in-between stage where he’s not a baby anymore but he’s not quite a toddler. So he understands when he’s doing something irritating and he’s really smart so he’s very much aware of what he’s doing but at the same time still has such an innocence abbot him. So it’s really hard not to get mad and lose it and have grace and understanding as he figures out how the world works. I have such little patience and when I load my plate up too much, especially in the mornings when I have the most time with Hayden and he’s the grumpiest, what I call my pinch points of the day, we end up all upset.
Now I’m not saying I can do everything, in fact I actually have been taking more off my plate so that I can be better in the areas that actually matter and that’s a matter of slowing down which means having to say no.
I’ve been setting a lot of boundaries so that I can be a better mom. This means getting out of the house at least once a week and once a week by myself. Both of my church commitments check that box and it allows me to serve and see friends so that’s been helpful. Seriously, multitasking outings have taken so much stress off my plate. If I can check multiple boxes at one time I do. But also, gas prices, so. It also means prioritizing nourishing food and movement so that my physical and chemical mental health is in check.
I’ve set boundaries for my for my friendships which I’ve never been good at before. I know now that it’s a sign of a healthy friendship if you can have these and they still love you and want you around when you can show up without breaking yourself to be there. Thankfully I have wonderful friends who understand when I can’t show up but I also make an effort to show up when I can and when they need me. I know, this is healthy friendship, but this is also a bit of an anomaly for me so it’s something I’ve actually had to learn to do intentionally.
I’ve set boundaries with ministry and I’ve had to because I love to serve and jumping in feet first is my natural response but I’ve had to pace myself so I don’t burn out and so that I don’t take too much time away from my precious evening family time. I’ve been honest about when and what I can do even if it means disappointing people and not being a people pleaser at the cost of my mental and physical health.
I’ve been setting boundaries with work too. I pick a few things to do each day and then that’s it. I don’t add more unless it’s an emergency. Most things can be done tomorrow and I’ve set boundaries with the type of clients I’m working with. I’m working with people who respect me and my time and my family and faith so I know it’s not going to be a problem anyways. I’ve been tying to be done with work by dinner time and only working when Hayden and Dustin are working, napping or playing. And yes those three are interchangeable for them.
And finally I’ve been honest about when I need a break from my son. Sometimes this just means hiding in bed while Hayden and Dustin play in another room and sometimes it means a hot long shower and sometimes it means actually physically leaving the house and sending Hayden to family for the day. Whatever I need, I ask for it because if I get what I need I am a better mom, wife and friend.
If you need permission to let go of the guilt and set boundaries, here it is. Do it for your mental and physical health. Do it for your family. You’ve got this. Start small and work your way from there. I promise it only gets better, even if you do have to explain yourself a bit and have some trial and error, it’s worth it. Don’t let the fear of being misunderstood stop you from making change.
Thank you so much for listening in this week.
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