Welcome back to the Solidarity podcast

where we share stories to connect with one another, find comfort in life’s challenges & to celebrate the solidarity that is, being a woman.

We’ve all heard of the Proverbs 31 woman, right?

But what about the 1 Peter 3 wife? Let’s dive in this week to see what it looks like to be a spiritual leader in our household, especially if your spouse is struggling.

This chapter starts off with a bang.  A reality check.

1 Peter 3:1-6

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”

Did you hear that?  They may be won without a word. I’ve known this, but I’ve never seen it laid out so clearly in the Bible before.  I know personally I tend to want to instruct and reprimand verbally when I don’t see my husband doing all of the things I want him to do as a spiritual leader in our house.  This has been an ongoing struggle. Sometimes it’s been a struggle for me, sometimes it’s been a struggle for him.  We go back and forth, naturally, but out of the two of us I’m definitely the one who is dissecting issues and constantly raising a fuss over something. Now that’s obviously not healthy, but I think it’s common for us as women to want everyone to be in a good place spiritually and to be growing as a family.  But we don’t always go about that in the healthiest way, especially when we’re getting antsy about it.

Reading that passage I couldn’t help but think how many time have I failed in this area?  How many times have I intentionally tried to pray or read my Bible in front of him in specific hopes that he would feel guilty? How many times have I lost it and yelled when He didn’t do what I expected or wanted, knowing full well where he was at in his journey at the moment?  How many times did I try to get him to be someone he wasn’t for the sake of fulfilling whatever the vision is in my head of a strong Christian family?  I’m not saying that work didn’t need to be done and I didn’t have reason to be frustrated sometimes, but I have to take responsibility for how I didn’t handle it right and how I continue to sometimes not handle it right.

That passage is a reminder that you have to practice what you preach, but not for the sake of recognition.  Don’t do and say something because you want them to look good to someone else in hope that they want to be like you or feel guilty and do it because they know that it’s what you want. We have to be slow and steady, setting an example, but ding it FOR God; serving Him, gaining strength, perseverance, and wisdom from Him directly.  You have to do the things that you feel called to do because you want a relationship with Him and out of that let whatever fruits you bear be a testament and let God do the work in the hearts of those around you.  There is nothing wrong with wanting the people around you to have a personal relationship with God, especially your spouse.  There is nothing wrong with wanting a spiritual leader but you cannot let it become your main focus.  You can pray for them and I encourage you to do that, but do not get discouraged if you don’t see change after a few days, months or even years and get to the point where you’re so frustrated that you stop trying to grow personally.  Do not let Satan get that hold in your household.  Keep working, keep setting an example, keep praying and let God work.

We need to be careful in making sure that our worth is not being defined by our husband’s praise or acceptance or actions, by by who we are in God.  Anything that then flows from our relationship is an extra blessing.  That gives both people room to grow with God, even if it’s not at the same pace without anyone feeling guilty and giving up because they feel like they’re slowing their spouse down.

We’re not supposed to be unequally yoked, but the reality is  most relationships is that at some point or another, there is going to be an uneven scale.  It is rare to be at the same place at the same time, all of the time.  Life happens, health issues arise, circumstances change and sometimes we question our faith or we stray or we forget and take our eyes off of God and it’s in those moments that we have to not get angry or give up on each other, but instead lean in and be a reminder of God’s love, goodness and grace.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Peter addressed the wives first and with this specific sentiment particularly.  We often times set the tone for our household.  We need to be conscious of what that tone is.  I’m not saying your husband’s relationship with God is your responsibility.  But setting the emotional tone for a household can really change the game.  Intentionally making your space “come as you are”, “we’re always seeking and learning” and “grown at your own pace” rather than “do this and don’t complain otherwise you’re a bad husband and you must not really love God” is going to make a world of difference.  And I know you know what I’m talking about when I say that you don’t have to say anything to set the tone.  It’s your actions, attitude and body language that often speak the loudest.  If you struggle with this, take it to the Lord and ask for forgiveness, strength and a renewing of your mind and heart.

Lead with gentleness, humility, respect and grace.

Your husband has his part too- verse 7 is for him “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

Just remember that you doing your part isn’t conditional upon him doing his.

If I can leave you with one thing it’s that I want you to remember that when you’re in a season of struggle, taking the focus off that struggle doesn’t mean that you don’t care or that it’s not still an issue. As women especially we love to focus on the struggle until it’s passed. But one thing I’ve learned is that especially in marriage, that’s not healthy. You can talk about it all day long but until you give it room to breathe and time for people to implement the changes they’ve said they want to make and for the air to settle, it’s not going to actually change. We have to let go of the notion that we’ll see the change right away and then get back to enjoying life while the things we’ve made clear we want changed work themselves out. The day I read 1 Peter 3 I also read a day in the 100 Days to Brave devotional by Annie Downs- ya know the one I’m always talking about.  It was the perfect devotion to go with this concept.

Play.

She said:

“Being disciplined and being brave are not easy tasks. If you don’t make space in your life for play, you will burn out. You will be in that spot where you are fighting for brave because you are feeling failure well up and fears arrive uninvited and there will be no healthy release. So play.”

How many of us feel that way? We’ve let spiritual maturity and discipline or some other issue slide for so long that one day we just explode and decide that’s the day we want change to happen. But maybe our partner isn’t on the same page and so when you approach them it feels like an attack that they didn’t see coming.  When you’re in these moments I suggest you take a beat before you approach and you consider circumstances, emotions, tiredness, time of day and the possibility for interruptions. Carve out time and make it clear that you want to talk about something that is important to you. Get it all out, giving grace for everyone to get their opinions out without judgment. If you’re in a place to create solutions, do it, otherwise give it some time and reconvene at an agreed time and then move on to something joyful like food, a movie, sex- whatever it is that will be fun and light for both of you in that moment. Just don’t sit in the disagreement.

When you’re in the midst of a struggle and you’ve gotten your emotions out and now there’s just a bubbling of emotion you have two choices. You can continue on the path you’re on and go another round; talking and reprimanding and saying everything you want said until it magically changes (which it won’t in that moment) and leaving everyone frustrated with hot words and tears spewed. Or you can accept that things have been said and now it’s time to wait and rather than waiting and stewing in anger you can choose joy and laughter and play to diffuse the tension and give room to grace and hope for a brighter future.

Listen I get it, when we have something on our minds, typically it’s being stewing for days, weeks or hours and we’ve come up with conclusions, solutions and a plan. But we forget that when we sit down & calmly explain this to our husbands (or attack/bombard/explode from a trigger) they’re not there yet. They may not know it’s an issue. They may not think that you cared that much about it. Or maybe they just haven’t put that much thought into it. Change takes time, undoing habits, grace for mistakes and perseverance from both sides. So don’t take their dumbfounded-ness or lack of a response personally.   Give way for play and laughter so that there is room for solutions to be had and thoughts to be articulated without the pressure of ultimatums and hasty insincere actions.

Your marriage is worth the uncomfortable struggle of tackling personal issues and working through character flaws and where you’re both falling short- especially when it comes to your spiritual walk and health.  It is vital to the survival of your marriage that this is prioritized genuinely. It won’t always look the same or be easy. It’ll change throughout different seasons and sometimes one of you will be more all in than the other. It’s important that you lean into each other in those moments when your faith is struggling. That is one of the beautiful parts and perks of marriage. So lean in & give each other the grace and room to struggle.

God sees you in this and you are not alone.

Thank you so much for listening in this week. If you’d like to share your story, shoot me an email or DM. You can follow me on Instagram @riley_quin which is where I hang out the most. You can also sign up for my monthly email list on my website rileyq.com or click the link below.  If you feel called to, please share with a woman who you know needs to be strengthened and encouraged. It would mean the world if you’d leave a podcast review on Apple podcasts and let me know your favorite part of the podcast episode. Thanks again & be sure to check back next Wednesday for a new episode!

As always, I’m so glad you’re here. You’re wanted, needed and loved. I see you, I hear you and you my love, by the grace of God, you are enough.