It’s Not Supposed To Feel This Way
I'm supposed to love this, right?
I'm supposed to jump in the middle of the night with a smile on my face, happy to meet my baby's needs.. right?
I'm supposed to forget about myself completely, as long as he's happy.. right?
I'm supposed to put away my own selfish ambitions and simply focus on him... right?
Right?
Lately I've been feeling the weight of motherhood.
I've been experiencing postpartum rage.
I've already gone through the ringer with postpartum anxiety and depression.
I've fought Dustin on every itty bitty thing just because I could.
I've looked at my son and wondered "how did I get here?".
I've resented myself.
I've whispered "is this supposed to be this way?" --
no, it's not supposed to be this way-- right?
No, no, it is-- but it's not supposed to feel this way?
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From the moment I found out about Hayden's existence I've felt a lot of emotions and weight. I've gone back and forth through joy, sadness, pity, selfishness, selflessness, self improvement, anger, strength, fierceness, meekness, weakness and triumph. I've felt it all. And along that way I've asked every step of the way if it was really supposed to feel that way and truthfully, no one ever has an answer.
I think we all like to pretend that pregnancy is just this wonderful thing and it is a blessing, no doubt about it, but no one ever said blessings were going to be easy to receive, let alone carry.
Most of my pregnancy was unbearably hard and just really sucked. I did not enjoy it. I love my baby, but the process of shaping him was less than pleasant.
But glowing perfect bumps scatter my Instagram feed and say "love every minute, you're going to miss this". My feed full of women struggling to get pregnant or dealing with losses- where I once was- their faces haunted my every moment. I couldn't complain. I couldn't want. I couldn't feel, I had to keep pushing through it.
I thought it would get better once I delivered him. Maybe the frustrations and hardships and unbelievable sacrifice would ease up and melt away... wrong.
Now, it's even harder and the guilt- it's even stronger.
And I feel like I can't even say anything, let alone complain when I have this perfect little being in my arms.
But it's so hard.
And the guilt behind my feelings, behind my uncontrollable anger and sadness- they seep out and sometimes people catch a glance. But I try to keep it in.
I've tried to stay a shut in and only let on to so much because I fear if I let too much show I'll be judged as I would judge.
How could I not love my baby unconditionally with every ounce of my being?
How could I become frustrated with him?
How could I leave him with family so eagerly and frequently so early?
What's wrong with me?!
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Nothing is wrong with me.
This is normal.
This is what we don't see on Instagram.
This is what mom's are too afraid to share on their Facebook groups.
This is what they don't write about in the million books I read.
This is what they mean when they ask you how you're doing.
Because they know. Because they've been there.
They've felt the excruciating pain of child birth turn into the excruciating pain of caring for that little helpless baby who you can't help but love but feel such disdain for at 4 am in the middle of cluster feeding.
They've felt the anger bubble up when they just won't stop crying.
They've felt the hot tears as you bounce your baby trying to get them to sleep, fearing the line of bouncing too hard and shaking.
They've been there, so they ask.
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Ask.
Check in.
Be present for those who are in the throes of new motherhood.
Because they're most likely silently struggling.
Sobbing in the middle of the night and crying out..
"it's not supposed to feel this way".
No, it's not. But it will. But it will be temporary and in the meantime, you feel it all. You experience it all. You're stretched and worn and loosened up and you start to take each minute for what it is and when you walk out on the other side with your battle scars you will see an entirely new woman who doesn't understand why she went through what she went through, but ready to share her experiences so that another young woman struggling will be able to know that it's normal to feel this way.