Relatable: Call the Crap
Relationships, they're fun, aren't they?
One day you're swooning over coffee and the next you're passive aggressively scrubbing the dishes that they failed to wash for the fourth day in a row.
You vowed you'd never be that way.
You promised each other you'd openly communicate about anything and everything- especially the little things so they wouldn't build up. But here you are, painfully aware that you've broken your promise and if you just keep your mouth quiet maybe you won't get into a fight and you can avoid the confrontation.
I think we've all been there.
On one hand it's easier to just suck it up and ignore the things that annoy you but on the other, will it come back to bite you in the long run? Most likely.
It's easy to get caught up in just wanting to make your partner happy, but that doesn't mean that you can't be honest. In fact the longer you hold things in that bother you the more they're going to build up and you're going to begin to resent them. Then when things come crashing down it's not only their fault for doing said things, but it's your fault for not communicating with them the actual problem.
Now I get it, “shouldn't they just read my mind?”. In a perfect world, yes. Your partner would read your mind. But in a perfect world they'd also just automatically do what you wanted them to or what they were “supposed” to and we wouldn't be having this conversation at all.
But alas we live in a broken world where Twinkies are considered dessert and Spam is considered real meat and therefore we cannot expect perfection from our significant others.
So what do we do?
How do we avoid falling into the pit of resentment while also avoiding the constant fights and nitpicking?
Communicate kindly.
Communicating with someone what needs to be done or how you feel doesn't have to be done in an annoying way and it also doesn't have to be snappy or rude. I really struggle with this because I tend to get annoyed when things aren't done the way I want them so I have to be super conscious of my tone and delivery. Remember, this isn't some employee (although you should be kind to them too) this is your partner. This is the person that you love and that you're spending your life with. They know you and they know deep down what you need. Gentle reminders and explanations are really all that are usually necessary to get a point across. If they're choosing to be rude and ignore you, be the bigger person, but be firm and let them know that what you need to say is important. Remind them of your partnership and agreement to one another to be present and that loving each other well means listening, learning and adapting.
Communicate at set times.
It can feel like you're being nitpicked when your partner is asking you every five seconds to do something else. It can feel frustrating when your partner is watching you do said thing and telling you what you need to do better. It can be extremely aggravating when your partner tells you something they wish you'd change and you put the work in but they don't recognize it and only say something when you slip up as you're working on establishing a better habit. Don't be that partner. Be the partner that encourages and praises and be the partner that gives room and time for things to be done and changes to be made. We are all human after all. Rather than sprinkling in judgments and commands throughout the day, set times during the day or throughout the week to sit down and communicate with your partner your needs. This is a great time to recognize each other's efforts and to allow both of you a chance to communicate how you're feeling and what you may need from them. This way it feels less like an ambush or attack and more like a bonding moment. If you have trouble with this and you're seeing a therapist this is a great conversation to have with them present as a mediator.
Communicate respectfully.
Don't treat your partner like a child. If you tell them how you feel or what needs to be done once, don't remind them every five minutes and don't rush to do it when they don't drop everything and do something immediately. They have their agenda and their way of doing things, be respectful of that. Allow them to get done what they need to and then expect them to follow through. If you're expecting them to fail you while then they probably will in one way or another. Let them do things their way or don't ask them to do it at all. You will avoid disappointment and fights by treating them like an adult.
What happens if all of these things fail?
If you're at the point where you've given communication a good go- I'm talking 2-3 months of trying and your partner still isn't getting it or you still can't manage to hold your tongue or be kind, you need to consider therapy. Sometimes an outside source can see things you can't and maybe can help you fill in the blanks to what you two are apparently missing. There is no shame in going to therapy and it may just improve your relationship greatly.
On the other hand, if you're in a non-committed relationship, such as dating or a courtship, you may want to consider if this is the relationship for you. If neither of you can commit to communicating with each other, kindly and respectfully, it may not be the right fit. The beauty of dating is that at the end of the day you're deciding whether or not this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you're struggling this much with the important building blocks of respect and communication that's a pretty good insight that this relationship is going to have bigger issues the farther along you go. I'm totally not saying to just break up over a few little spats or moments of miscommunication but I am saying that you need to be aware of bad habits and what you should tolerate and for how long.
It's not always comfortable, I know. But if you deal with things up front and when they begin your relationship will thrive. You and your partner will naturally adapt for one another and you'll naturally catch yourself before they have to say anything. It may not be fun, but call the crap. Work with each other, not against each other.
Love and be loved.