Turning Anger into Muffins

I would say that a majority of the time, I lean towards anger. I have been praying for a few years now that God would prune this out of my life. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want my first reaction to be red and hot. I want my nervous system to remain regulated and I want my kids to remember and joyful and fun mother.

This is far easier said than done.

I am in the pushing-limits stage with both of my children. They’re both learning and developing incredibly quickly. One is testing physical boundaries and the other is training in psychological warfare. The first is one and the second is almost three.

Most days I do good to simply walk away and scream into a pillow when I am really about to lose it.

That being said, I am really working on learning how to work through my emotions in a calm and rational way, in front of my children, so that they also learn how to develop that skill. Fun times.

I’ve been asking asking God to cut away at me and it’s been a process. If it’s not for His glory and bringing joy and peace to my family, it’s not something I should be partaking in.

Anywhoosies, I was really angry a few weeks back. I was feeling sad, disconnected from my kids and overworked. I finally broke down. I cried because I had not been a good mother that morning. It was beyond the point of just walking away, I needed a complete attitude adjustment. So I reached out for help, texted a friend for prayer and I prayed for myself.

I asked God to show me what I was supposed to do in that moment to bring peace.

He told me to go make muffins.

Something that wound bring peace to my soul and joy to my kids. A way to slow down.

I had been thinking about making muffins for a few weeks but it just hadn’t happened. I have been extremely busy. I find that the busier I am, the more easily I am irritated. Unfortunately, I am in a season where the busyness is good and I cannot cut anything out that hasn’t already been cut. But in that moment, I had the choice between continuing on in the disfunction or choosing obedience and peace.

After questioning what seemed like a clear response, I set out to make muffins. I turned off the lights, lit a candle and soaked in the fall energy. It was a rainy day and I am often sad and angry on rainy days. I love rain, but the darkness does truly shift my mood. I decided to lean into what I loved about that moment and my circumstances, ahem, gratitude, it helped. I could feel my body releasing the tension. The task in front of me was straight forward and so I decided to pour all of my energy into making muffins instead of being angry. Also, how can you be angry while making muffins? I would argue that one cannot.

While I worked, I prayed. The entire atmosphere of my house shifted.

I wish you could have heard Hayden's footsteps as he tiptoed around the corner and saw that everything was going to be okay. Rather than pull up a stool as he usually does, he sweetly approached me and in his precious two year old voice whispered, "pick up me, mommy". He just wanted a moment of connection with me and he wanted to see what I was creating in the mixing bowl.

His face was pure joy when he saw the muffins cooling on the counter just a little while later.

His anger had also shifted to joy in this process.

Finally, peace spread out into the corners of the cobwebs of our day. Hayden squealed with excitement as he broke open his muffin, “choc-o-it chips, mommy!”. In the peak of that moment, as joy and warmth and chocolate wafted through the air, he finished pulling apart his muffin in half and handed it to his baby brother who was furiously crawling across the floor, hoping to get in on the muffin action.

It seemed completely counter intuitive to “do” in that moment. I was angry. My energy was at an all-time low. My emotions were a jumbled mess and I had made an even bigger one with my words and my tone and my lack of self-control. Why would I add more to my plate? Why would I start a new task?

But I was obedient to what God called me to do in that moment, and in response, God gave me joy, peace, sweet memories and well, muffins.