Give Life, Not Gossip
Welcome back to the Solidarity podcast
where we share stories to connect with one another, find comfort in life’s challenges & to celebrate the solidarity that is, being a woman.
I know I told y’all last week I’d have guests and I promise they are coming soon! I’m doing my first interview this week and I’m so excited so stay tuned for that.
We talked about some heavy stuff last week in regard to freedom and I am so happy to announce that the OSHA mandate was struck down and my husband will be able to keep his job and maintain his medical freedom. I am deeply saddened for those in health care that they aren’t given the same equal rights but we are not done fighting for them and I invite you to pray for them and see what you can do in your state to help fight for them. They’re going to need all of the support that they can get.
So, anyways, I don’t want to dwell on that too much since I really said all I have to say last week. Today I want to talk about friendships and share about something I struggle with, something I’d go out on a limb and say that most women especially struggle with: gossip.
Fun right? Did your stomach drop a little bit?
Are you feeling a little convicted? I know I am.
This is something that I’ve struggled with for my entire life because ya know, talking about other people is easy. It’s easy because it means the spotlight isn’t on you. Your insecurities don’t have to be dealt with - even though they show strongly when you talk about people negatively.
Here’s the thing, the line for gossip is really hard & difficult to walk! When is the line crossed when you’re talking about a situation you’re actually involved in? When is the line crossed when you’re sharing with your spouse? When is the line crossed when you’ve been hurt by someone and you’re trying to verbally process?
This a confusing and muddy territory and I think it’s the reason why a lot of us tend to just conveniently overlook this area and pretend it doesn’t exist, because honestly, it’s easier. If we do get convicted we’ll pray and ask for forgiveness and then we see our friends and go right back to it because it’s an extremely easy sin to slip into. So let’s talk about this and unpack life giving friendships, how to determine when you’re crossing the line, what God has to say about gossip, how to catch yourself and ask for forgiveness and how to try and avoid it altogether.
I do want to make it abundantly clear that I’m studying this just as much for myself as I am for you because it’s something I really struggle with. I’ve gone through phases in my life where I’ve ignored this conviction and this year, as I’ve stepped into healthier friendships, and been called out for this nasty habit, and been personally hurt by others gossiping about me, that I’ve realized how important it is to take this seriously & not just say I shouldn’t do it but actually be proactive about being life giving instead of life taking.
So let’s back it up a little bit, If you don't know this about me, I am a songwriter. I won't say "used to be”, even though I want to, even though I haven't written a song in a long time because I believe I have many songs still inside my soul, they're just not ready to be written yet. Anyways, I was going through some old demos and songs I had written because I was curious as to what 17 year old me was thinking about. Turns out, 17 year old me and 22 year old me aren't too crazy different. In fact, we've made a lot of the same mistakes, the difference is 22 year old me has more tools to deal with them. I also have a higher self-esteem and understand the beauty and importance of making change instead of continuously sitting in trauma and repeating patterns for the sake of a story and a reason to be sad. I no longer tolerate that from myself and I'm just not here for it when it comes to the people that I spend time with because they directly influence me and my attitude and behavior.
2021 was a hard year for me with friendships. I thought I had found my people and God quickly removed them from my life because they were in fact, not my people. He blessed with me amazing friends in the 2nd half of the year and I've often sat amazed with how he has blessed me with them because they're what I prayed for- the kind of friends I never thought I'd have again. God really is faithful and His timing is perfect.
If you didn’t know, I moved to Tennessee from Michigan at 18 and although the move ended up being very good for me- hello: husband, baby, house and an awesome community- leaving my friends was extremely hard and I miss them terribly. It’s hard to go from being surrounded by the people that you grew up with who know and love you (despite your flaws) to being surrounded by strangers, trying to gain their approval for the sake of friendship. It’s been a tough 3 1/2 years navigating that change. I won’t lie, there’s been a lot of tears shed and it’s been really lonely. Lonely to the point that I chose to spend time with people who I knew were talking badly about me and about other people- but I was compromising my morals and my feelings just so that I could say that I had “found community”. Turns out, that doesn’t work and I ended up just getting hurt. But like I said earlier, God is faithful and He provides abundantly and there has been so many times the last few months where I’ve smiled because the “daddy hugs” he gives with the gifts He gives are just wonderful. I’ve felt seen and heard and truly loved for the first time in a long time and I’m thankful that God changes the desires of our hearts and those gifts end up being more amazing than what we could’ve dreamed up for ourselves.
Ok, so back to the songwriting, I was going through my old demos and I found a song that I had written about toxic friendships and I just want to share the lyrics because I think it's ironic how not much changed from 17 to 22 because now at 22, I'm still able to take this song and teach myself a lesson. I'll read to you a verse of the lyrics and see if you can relate.
“What’s the hurt in leaving when every time I walk out that door, their mouths they start moving and I have to get it all from another source? I can’t show my face, I’m afraid of what they’ll say, but I don’t want to live like this anymore.”
The song, if you can't tell, is about not allowing yourself to stay in toxic friendships just because you don't feel like you have options. It's about valuing yourself and rather than succumbing to being gossiped about, choosing to walk away and find life giving people. It's about not dwelling on past toxic experiences and focusing on the future, on the forward and on life. Easier said than done, right?
This song specifically highlights the issue of gossip- the most hurtful thing you can do with friends- yet it’s the easiest thing to do. Trust me I am FAR from perfect in this area. It's one of the sins I probably struggle with the most. My tongue is quick and my brain is slow and my heart sometimes takes awhile to catch up to my sass. I've been at the centerfold of a lot of gossip in my life and out of that hurt, I've developed a protection mechanism of "talk about them before they talk about you"- which in the world, is a normal response. But as Christians that's not how we're instructed to act. God makes it very clear about how he feels about gossip and how we are to guard our hearts, minds and control our tongues. I’ll share a little bit of scripture to back that up.
Psalm 15:2-3 says:
“The one whose walk is blameless,
who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from their heart;
whose tongue utters no slander,
who does no wrong to a neighbor,
and casts no slur on others.”
Ephesians 4:29 says:
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Proverbs 15:4 says:
“Speak life - The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.”
I'd argue that not gossiping is probably one of the hardest things to do and that's why it's vital to spend everyday in your Bible, meditating on good and perfect things so that you have life giving things to talk about.
Philippians 4:8 says: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
And honestly, I would challenge you to approach your conversations with that verse in mind. So when you’re talking about something ask yourself: “is this true? Is the right? Is it pure? Is it lovely? Is it admirable? Is it excellent? Is it praiseworthy?” And talk about those things, think about those things.
If you're not focusing on the negative, it's less likely you'll talk about it. This is obviously hard because as women, we like to talk and process things and this can easily slip in and out of gossiping. Trust me, there's no easy solution. It's a struggle and part of that struggle is finding people who are willing to hold you accountable and who are willing to be held accountable and make a real effort to be life giving. It’s also important that you’re in tune with the Holy Spirit because believe me this, He will let you know when you’re crossing that line. You’ll feel it in your heart and your gut.
I think it’s important to mention when talking about this topic that the people you spend your time with will determine how easy or how hard it is to gossip. As Christinas we’re called to love people, but that doesn’t mean you don’t set boundaries. The people you are doing the most life with and spending the most time with will influence you. You should be careful to surround yourself with people who speak life over you and about others. People who encourage you to go straight to the person you have an issue with when you’re struggling. People who will outright refuse to take part in gossip by walking away or changing the subject. You can tell the difference between life giving and life sucking friendships just by how you feel after you’ve hung out with them. Are you worried about what they’ll be saying when you leave the room or leave the gathering? Do you not feel welcome or do you feel out of place? Are you exhausted and weary when you leave? It’s probably a life-sucking friendship. I’ve been in these types of friendships and going from life-sucking to life-giving is amazing. In fact it’s made me a better friend.
I obviously want to steward the friendships I have in the best way possible and rather than holding onto the bitterness and the hurt that I experienced in my old friendships, I'm able to take from those experiences and not do to anyone else what was done to me. Because honestly? It's easy to fall back into those patterns. It's easy to fall into gossip. It's easy to get jealous and take it out on people behind their backs. It's easy to label people from a single experience and then develop and share judgments against them- even when it's not fair. It's easy for things to get misconstrued and it's really easy to hurt people. It's easy to crumble an entire relationship without even intending to and before you know it, you're in a heck of a mess. A mess that can be really hard to come back from, even if you do get the chance.
I thought high school was unforgiving, dang, adulthood is even worse. Sometimes you don't even get a second chance. Adults are quicker to cut off people because we don't have time to deal with things and our network is bigger and most of us have opportunities to replace friendships if we feel like something isn't working. I'm not saying this is right, I do think that according to the Bible we owe it to one another a chance to hear everyone out, work through issues and offer forgiveness and invite God in to heal and reconcile. But this isn't the typical approach and so it can be really easy to jump to conclusions and jump to the world's way of dealing with people which is "cut off, forget and move on".
So what do you do when you find yourself in a life sucking friendship? Well, I think you have two options. You can slowly distance yourself and be kind when you see them and not participate in gossip about them. Or you can work to remedy the friendship if you believe it’s a friendship that God specifically has you in for a reason. Some friendships are just for certain seasons and some require a little more effort. Sometimes you have to have the uncomfortable conversations and confront the people you love with truth and try to gain more information so you can make an informed decision on whether the friendship is worth saving or not. Have conversations about the fact that you feel convicted after you leave conversations with them and ask them if they’d be willing to work on not gossiping with you. Ask them to call you out and ask if you can do the same for them. Encourage them to change the subject or walk away or give you a cue. I know it doesn’t sound possible but you can turn a friendship around. Simply by speaking life and truth and encouraging one another. Now this obviously takes two willing and repentant individuals, so it won’t always happen but there is no harm in trying and in fact, it may just deepen and strengthen your friendship.
So what does it look like to not gossip and how do we know when we’re crossing a line?
It means not engaging in conversations that make you uncomfortable or that you know aren’t honoring to someone else. Trust me, your gut will tell you when you’re not being kind. Listen to the Holy Spirit when He’s prompting you to steer clear or change the conversation.
It means changing the subject.
It means speaking kind words about someone and reminding people to give the benefit of the doubt.
It means finding meaningful topics of conversation to focus on rather than resorting to talking about other people.
It means asking your friends to hold you accountable when you’re maybe not doing a great job of holding yourself accountable.
It means hanging out with people who do speak life and if they don’t - gently approaching the subject as something you can all work on and actually follow through with.
I know that can be a scary conversation but I’m telling you, some of the people that I respect the most call me out when I’m participating in gossip or simply don’t engage and I am beyond grateful for that accountability because sin often sneaks up on you and accountability is really hard to find. We all want to do our best and honor God and His children and sometimes that is hard and it requires support and accountability.
So what does speaking life look like?
Speak God’s truth.
Talk about life giving subjects.
Speak kindly about others and encourage them.
If you have an issue, speak directly with the person that the issue is with and follow the Biblical process for handling conflict.
And as far as crossing the line, I think that the Holy Spirit will often prompt you, you just have to listen. But for the sake of a conversation let’s look at a few examples.
When you’re talking to your spouse or a mentor or close friend are you genuinely looking for advice on how to handle something or how to heal from something hurtful or are you just trying to tell them all about what happened and gain an ally?
Are you trying to turn someone against them and be spiteful?
Is your heart genuinely grieving and you don’t know what to do?
Have you already attempted a conversation with that person & have you prayed about it?
Are you being kind with how you refer to them throughout the conversation?
Are you sticking within the boundaries of the situation being discussed or are you sharing external information that isn’t relevant or isn’t yours to share?
Are you talking just to talk or to gain sympathy?
Is this something you’d say word for word to their face AND does it add kindness and bring life?
Ask yourself all of these questions and if at any point you can’t answer genuinely or you feel convicted, you’re most likely gossiping.
Now this is specific to situations that involve hardship or conflict. Gossiping can also be simply just sharing information that isn’t yours to share or talking about drama for fun and to get someone riled up. It all counts as gossip, I just think that we usually know when that is gossip vs the muddy line of working through conflict which is why I’m focusing on that today. But either way, you want to avoid talking about people as a general rule and if you must, make sure it’s life giving and relevant to the conversation and in regard to yourself or in regard to helping that person in some way.
I’m not saying that you can’t share your struggles and hardships with your close and trusted friends but I am saying that you need to pay attention to how you feel when you share. You will know when you’re diverting from what you should be talking about when you get that pit in your stomach because you know you shouldn’t have said that thing. Or you get a gasp or a “wow, tell me more”. You know what I’m talking about because we’ve all been there. Be wise in your speech. Give life. Show people that you are someone they can trust and that you’re not going to go share that conversation with the next person. Trust takes time to be built but it takes one conversation to be broken. This takes intentionality and I can’t even tell you the amount of times I’ve had to really stop myself and say no, you don’t need to share that. And this applies to prayer too. Gossip through prayer requests is still that - gossip. People can pray without knowing the details of situations that aren’t yours to share.
So how can you avoid it altogether?
Talk about yourself and share what’s going on in your own life.
Ask questions about the other person and their life.
Keep topics life giving and meaningful. Share about your adventures, dreams, hopes, heartbreaks and what God is doing in their life. You can really have deep and meaningful conversations without speaking ill of other people.
Talk about what you’re learning and experiencing and what you find interesting and you’ll find that the time flies and you’ll leave feeling good about the time you spent and your cup will be filled.
And finally before we wrap this up, how do you make it right when you do catch yourself gossiping? I think it’s important to try and catch yourself when you’re in it- as soon as you feel convicted. But if you don’t, make sure to evaluate when you leave a conversation or a gathering and ask yourself about how people felt when you left. Did you contribute life? Were you kind? Would they feel self conscious and wonder if you were talking about them after they left? These questions will give you the answers you need- if you’re honest. If you’ve found yourself gossiping first stop and ask for forgiveness from God. Ask Him to forgive you for talking unkindly about his child- yes, you’re messing with His child. Ask Him to replace your thoughts with life and truth and kindness. When it comes to talking badly about someone who has wronged you ask Him to remind you that vengeance is His and you don’t have to get them back with spiteful words. He will take care of it and we need to remember to turn the other cheek and walk away from situations that cannot be resolved after we’ve made an effort to resolve it directly with that person. Remember, love includes boundaries, but that doesn’t mean we have the right to be unkind. Once you’ve made it right with God make it right with the people in your life who you have wronged. Apologize to the person you were talking to and ask them for forgiveness for gossiping- you may find that this convicts them too. But even if it doesn’t, that’s between them and God, it’s not your responsibility to get them to repent. And then, you may find it appropriate to apologize to the person who you were talking about. This can be an uncomfortable situation and not ever situation warrants it, but if God prompts you to apologize when you talk to the person about whatever you needed to actually talk to them about in the first place, do so.
Wow, that was a lot. But I’m really glad we got to dig deeply into this topic because it’s something that’s been on my heart a lot as I’ve intentionally made an effort with my new friends not to gossip. It’s hard but how you speak about others sets a precedent for how people will view and trust and treat you. I want to be treated with love and understanding and kindness and so I have to model that to those around me. If this is something you feel convicted about, you’re not alone. Write it down everywhere to try and give yourself visual reminders. Pray before you go into gatherings for God to give you wisdom and to catch your tongue before it flies. Think before you speak. Be intentional about the words and the tone that comes out of your mouth and if you have to, walk away from a conversation that is going to tempt you to sin. It may mean that you lose some friends, but you’ll also see who you’re really supposed to be friends with in the process. It may take some time, but I promise it’s possible to have life giving friendships.
Thank you so much for listening in this week. DM me on Instagram @riley_quin or shoot me an email riley@rileyq.com and let me know what you’re going through and if there is a specific topic you want me to talk about and if I haven’t experienced it, I’ll find someone who has to come and chat with us. If you want to share your story, check out my website rileyq.com and under the “Connect” tab click “Tell your story” and submit it either for right here on the podcast or I can share it on Instagram- even anonymously! I just really want to get back to why I created this space, which is to share our experiences and our stories to find solidarity, even in the hardship because you’re not alone. Someone has always walked before you and someone is always walking beside you and behind you so we must share. We are not meant to live in isolation.
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As always, I’m so glad you’re here. You’re wanted, needed and loved. I see you, I hear you and you my love, by the grace of God, you are enough.