Quick To Listen, Slow To Speak
One of my greatest pet peeves is when people try to invalidate other people's feelings.
I say try because technically you have to give someone permission to allow you to feel a certain way. It doesn't mean that their words and actions won't still have an effect on you but you definitely can choose to walk away and not accept what they have to say.
It happened to me tonight. Don't look too much into it, I'm posting it long after it happened because.. baby prep and the person who did it to me doesn't need the satisfaction that they had an effect on me. BUT, I am writing about this because it's an important lesson!
We need to be so conscious of how we react to others.
The truth is that when we put ourselves out there we are opening ourselves up to criticism but also when you're on the receiving end of someone sharing, it's not your responsibility to give criticism. In fact, you should always be looking for ways to lift people up and be kind. There's no need to be rude and condescending.
It's not your job to tell me that what I'm feeling is right.
It's not your job to tell me that what I'm feeling is wrong.
It's not your job to validate or invalidate my feelings.
They are what they are.
It is your job to sit with me as a human, hold space and acknowledge that we all go through crap and that me sharing is helping someone else who may be going through the same crap.
When we're dealing with complex emotions and situations we must be aware that what we say to people, even when we think we're being helpful can have a long lasting impact on how they view themselves.
I guess the best way to think about this is to put yourself in their shoes. If you have mustered up the courage to open up and talk about something that you're going through and working on only to be met with..
“It's not that big of a deal.”
“I got over it, you can too.”
“Just choose not to feel that way.”
...or something along those lines how would you feel?
You'd feel invalidated.
You'd feel like the journey and the process of working through hard things doesn't even matter.
You'd feel like there is something wrong with you.
While that person thinks they're helping by “talking you down” or trying to lessen your stress it's not only made the emotion that you're dealing with far more complex but it's left you wondering about your worth.
If they couldn't sit and hold space for you that must mean you're just not worth it and that the things you're feeling are irrelevant.
See how toxic that thinking can quickly become simply because you didn't take the time to properly respond to someone?
My rule of thumb: if you can't take a few minutes to process what that person is saying, feeling and possibly even going through and craft a response that won't be demeaning or invalidating, don't respond. It's not your job. The right person who is supposed to say something to them will.
If it's still weighing on you later, go back and say something. But chances are if you've forgotten about it, you weren't the right person to be speaking into their life anyways.
It is my goal that anybody I speak to feels valued, loved, seen, and important. If I don't have the time to make them feel that way right then I either need to step away and come back later or step away and pray for them instead.
The things we say hold far more weight than we may realize and even seemingly tiny comments made in passing can leave a greater impact than we'd ever imagine.
I believe that most of us mean well, I really do, but that's simply not enough. We must not only mean well, but do well.
Be conscious of what comes out of your mouth today and what comes out of your fingertips onto that screen.
Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
Be gentle and be kind.
Love your neighbor as yourself and treat others the way you want to be treated.
I believe that simply by making those small steps we can make the world a better place and love each other fiercely.