Relatable: Red Flags Don’t Always Stay Red
When I first set out in my dating journey, which was short lived if you know my story, I came prepared.
This is going to sound ridiculous and by sharing this I am fully aware I am opening myself up to being made fun of, but I will accept it for the sake of this matter.
By prepared I mean that I had a document, yes a document, of things that I wanted in my future husband and things I didn't want. I'm pretty sure the document was at least four or five pages long. My friends made endless fun of it and I don't actually think I have it anymore but for the sake of the blog I wish I did.
Anyways, I had spent years working on this document as I was in flings and things with guys and I observed my friends dating lives. I wanted to know exactly what I wanted so that when I came across who I thought was the right guy I would know for sure.
The funny part? I don't think Dustin met even half of my “requirements” although honestly I don't think anyone could have.
Obviously through the experience of dating him I learned that you cannot manufacture a man and I fell deeply in love with who he is.
I definitely didn't skimp on the big things like religious, family, economical and political beliefs but I did let a lot of things go because unfortunately there's more to a person than liking mayo. Yes, I believe the liking of mayo was on my “no” list. As I said, laughable.
I will say that through that process I was very much aware and looking for red flags. Things that I absolutely did not want and Dustin pretty much crossed a lot of them off immediately. Even a few months in he was still passing with flying colors, except one thing.
Now before I get into this too deeply I want to remind you of a few things. The first is that red flags are sometimes disguised and it can be easy to put on a pair (or ten) of rose colored glasses when you really start to like someone. This is where it is important to listen to those who love you the most. If they see something you don't see, especially an abusive trait or behavior, listen to them. Really observe, take a step back and don't just write them off. It could just save your heart or even your life. The next thing is that there are certain red flags that will not change. So don't take what I'm about to say as Bible truth. When it comes to fundamental principles and belief systems, it's rare that a red flag will actually change. Rather in this blog I'm going to be talking more about how my perspective shifted and how the red turned to yellow as I was able to see things in a different light. Again, consult your friends and family (specifically and sparingly) and be open to the fact that you may not see things that other people do. A person can be great but that doesn't mean they're great for you. It's important to be hyper aware of that.
That being said, red flags don't always stay red and by choosing to stay with someone who had a few red flags, you're not ignorant or stupid.
Keep in mind that these are the types of conversations you're going to be having with friends and family and at the end of the day they really only know your person from one perspective and they don't know the conversations that you've had or the moments you've shared. That's why it's important to take their opinions into consideration but also to take them with a grain of salt. Again, and I cannot stress this enough, abuse is different. But when it comes to a difference of opinion or a certain way they view the world or a specific topic, a red flag may not always stay red.
Let me give you my example and you may understand better.
My faith and my practice of Christianity is something that is very important to me. It was a deal breaker and I was relived to learn that Dustin is in fact a baptized believer and that he was involved in his church. I personally couldn't be with someone who wasn't both of those things. But that's where the good news ended and the problems began for us.
You see we are from varying denominations. With that comes a variance in theology and the breakdown of some of our individual beliefs. This also causes issues when deciding what kind of church to attend and how we'd be involved.
At the time my faith seemed to be more important to me than it was to him. This has changed over the years as we've both grown closer to God through our relationship with one another, but at the time it was a major issue. A major issue that we loved to ignore because we were blissfuly falling in love and we didn't want to rock the boat.
Now I don't suggest doing this because it's not fun to deal with once you're locked into one another, but at the same time I think it worked out in our case because we were so committed to one another that we knew we had to work things out whether we liked it or not.
The red flag was that we grew up in very different homes and that neither of us were willing to give up the way we looked at things from a theological stand point. In some relationships this would've been a deal breaker and I think it almost was for us as well, but by the grace of God we managed to get through it. We knew that this issue if not resolved would cause issues in the way we ran our household, which church we attended and how we raised our children. Would we be able to grow spiritually if we were constantly disagreeing on things?
There were a lot of tears and a lot of words said over this issue. I started gong to church with him, although begrudgingly because I wasn't happy with the theology there or how things were done. It was just so different from my upbringing but it also didn't make sense for him to go with me because I just had moved to Nashville and didn't have a church of my own.
We started dreading Sundays because every week I always had something to say about something said or done that I disagreed with and it always resulted in a fight. Given that this church was literally and metaphorically his family he took it personally and had a hard time seeing where I was coming from.
I won't lie after a few months I had to really ask myself if our relationship was worth it because I couldn't do it for the rest of my life.
We ended up sitting down and I told him all the major issues I had a problem with and how I viewed this hurdle as a red flag. Not only his defensiveness over the issue and lack of wanting to budge on his side with all the effort I was putting in, but then the actual issues themselves. Taking from my own parents story of how they developed out of the theology they were taught as kids and how they grew together in marriage I knew it wasn't impossible but I couldn't do it by myself, it was going to take both of us and I needed him to be on board.
After that conversation he agreed to try and we came up with a few practical solutions to get us through the dreaded Sunday and along the way we made adjustments to make sure we were both comfortable (enough).
Fast forward to today, we still have disagreements and we still struggle in some areas but things have gotten better. We are able to have more honest and open conversations and we agree on much more theologically than we did before.
This took letting our pride down on both sides and humbly admitting when we were wrong about a specific issue.
I'd like to take a moment and note that this is something that a lot of people don't know how to do and it's quite toxic. Our society has convinced us that our partners better just accept us as is and we don't have to be pliable at all or they're not the right person. And I'm here to tell you that honey, that just ain't true. Relationships are about growing together and they often expose our deepest insecurities and flaws and an unwillingness to work on yourself is actually much more unflattering than anything. Obviously you don't drop everything and lose yourself completely but it's okay to change a bit and it's okay to WANT to change. That's where you should have discretion with who you share what with because people on the outside are always going to take your side and be much less forgiving and understanding when they're not in the actual situation. Especially if you've complained about something and then changed your mind or started to see things in a new light. Just be aware of who you say things to.
Like I said, we're in a much better place now than we were and we obviously decided it wasn't a deal breaker but that we both had to commit to doing better and trying harder for one another. We've had a lot of conversations and we're still making adjustments on a regular basis to help one another grow but it's clear that it's going to be a life long process for us. But I'm okay with that. Nobody ever said relationships would be easy or that you were going to find someone who you agreed with everything on.
I believe that if you find someone with a good and humble heart, a willingness to work on things and you agree on the basic fundamentals that you can make it work. In fact I think it's pretty much impossible to find someone who agrees with you on everything whole heartedly and if they do, one of you is probably not being 100% honest with yourselves or the other person.
This isn't to say that you shouldn't pay attention to red flags, but I am saying that with minor or questionable red flags you shouldn't just write something off immediately. Investigate, dig a little deeper, have open and honest conversations and see if you can work together to make things work. If you decide you can't, at least you know you gave it your best shot and if you decide you can you won't be wondering “what if” or what they really think forever.
I hope that this helped to give you some perspective if you're struggling with a red flag. Even later on in a committed relationship things you have issue with can be discussed, it doesn't mean things have to just be over. Our society is really good at telling us to walk away so here's your reminder that you don't have to. You can stay and work through things and give it a shot.
Don't forget to love and be loved.