Relatable: Baby Steps
What can I say? Shit's about to get real.
Literally.
We are in the final countdown to baby boy who is going to be arriving anytime now in the next few weeks. My official due date is November 23rd but nobody seems to think I'll make it that far. I guess we'll see as it really isn't up to anyone except for baby boy and my body. Although if I can put my two cents in, sooner rather than later would be preferred.
That being said, I am treasuring every moment I have left that is just me and Dustin.
A lot of people don't talk about the strain that a baby can have on a marriage but witnessing it second hand with my friends and family members, I am prepared for the fact that it will make an impact.
Knowing that, an impact doesn't have to be bad, it's just going to change things a bit.
Most people nowadays wait years until they have a baby, we didn't. We chose to date for a very short period of time, be engaged for a short period of time and be married for a short period of time before trying. We knew we wanted kids young but it isn't until you're about to pop one out that you realize how very different life is going to become.
Society and the media loves to make babies out to be marriage killers. Fear around parenthood and losing your partner to the process is very real. It's also very gender-stereotyped and causes a lot of issues.
New dad's are told that their sex lives are over, that their partners won't want anything to do with them, that they're only good for making money and taking out the trash and that their partner won't trust them with the baby, so why bother?
New mom's are told that they're not going to be attractive or want sex for years, that they're going to hate their bodies, that all they're good for is milk and changing diapers and that their partners will be cheating-lazy-bums, so why bother?
I didn't pull these stereotypes from nowhere- we all know that this is what movies, tv shows, songs, ads, social media and even some medical professionals project onto us.
No wonder it's terrifying for some to learn of an impending baby.
You spend so many years building a beautiful relationship only to learn it's going to be torn away from you.
But I'm here to ask the question, who says?
Why do we have to let these stereotypes come to fruition?
Why does our entire identity have to shift to “mom” and “dad”?
Why can't we still be partners, lovers, career-focused and parents?
Babies change things, absolutely, we wouldn't want it any other way. But that doesn't mean that with that first cry all of our dreams and other roles are flushed down the toilet. In fact when we let that happen our mental and physical health can't help but suffer.
Some may roll their eyes at this and say “just wait” as to which I say,
When new parents say they need support, they don't just mean that they need help caring for the baby, they also mean that they need help caring for themselves and their relationship.
1:1 time is still vitally important.
Nights without dishes and laundry are important.
Intimacy is necessary.
We need to stop making postpartum (for both parents) seem like a one size fits all experience because it's not.
So yes, I am cherishing these last few weeks with just my husband but I'm also not scared for postpartum because it's going to be just as beautiful with me, my husband and our boy.
We're going to spend so much time getting to know each other in these new roles. I'm going to get to meet a new side of husband who I am confident is going to be just as amazing as all of his other sides and I'll get to introduce him to my “mom” side. We're going to get to see one another in a whole new light.
We're going to spend time supporting one another in these new roles and falling in love all over- I'm speaking it over us because speaking life and truth rather than fear can make or break a situation and we are going to make it.
We're going to spend time learning what life looks like with a new baby and we're going to have fun doing it because we have fun doing life together- even the hard parts. We're going to laugh and cry and then we're going to laugh some more.
We're going to be tired but we're going to be tired together.
We're going to be touched out and in need of intimacy all at the same time- together- and we're going to figure it out.
We're not going to just start not communicating.
I am not going to suddenly forget I have a husband and only love my baby.
I am not going to choose to distance myself because of fears.
We're going to face this head first .
Postpartum isn't going to be easy, but we're going to make it work together because that's what we do. The stereotypes may be real but they don't have to be
I encourage you, if you're going into this season with fear, take some time to break those fears down and dispel them.
Just because someone else experienced something doesn't mean that you are going to.
Also, remember when you're reading through those pesky Facebook mom group threads that the majority of people posting in those are posting their issues. Nobody is going to post all of the things that are going right- just because those issues seem like the “majority” doesn't mean they are.
So if you have a fear about something, choose to address it from your logic rather than assuming everyone else's experience will be yours.
I hope that makes sense and I hope that if you're about to have a baby with your partner that you are excited and hopeful, you deserve to feel all of the joy. Don't let anyone ruin that for you. Your experience is your experience and you deserve to take that one day at a time without any fears or assumptions riding on your shoulders.
Don't forget to take care of you and your partner.
Let someone come help or if that doesn't feel good to you, let the laundry or dishes wait, order pizza and have a night on the couch just the two of you when you finally get a second. You don't have to put your relationship on hold until that 6 week appointment. You don't have to let those who try to fear monger you into believing that you won't want anything to do with your partner for at least 6 months to a year win over your thoughts. Go with what your body, your heart and your mind tell you to do. Like I said, this isn't one size fits all.
Here's to strengthening our relationships by bonding over the miracle of life. Don't fret over the messy bits because darling, life is the messy bits.