The Body Positivity Movement Is Killing Us
I Don't Think I Love Myself pt. 4
written March 12th, 2020 & April 25th, 2020
Removing shame is the first step to getting healthy” – Kait Visser
My lovely friend said that and it struck me, hard.
I wrote most of this piece just a few days before I found out I was pregnant with Baby H. I did not think I was pregnant and I was gearing up for month two of what I called the “Kill PCOS Diet”. In these moments I was on the edge of jumping off into the ocean of self love that I thought would ultimately be achieved by eating differently. Which I will say, caring for my body intentionally did WONDERS for my mental health and it led me down a path of intentionally valuing myself, but that alone did not cause me to start loving or appreciating myself. In fact there were certain days that I was teetering on the edge, wishing that I could go back to the way that I used to be, but knowing that I had touched too much of the light to ever go there again.
When I found out that I had been diagnosed with PCOS, I knew that I had to get my health under control. I didn't cause the PCOS, but I wasn't helping it either. But even that took me awhile to accept. I took a lot of unnecessary shame on with that diagnosis.
After several conversations with God and a few of my friends who encouraged me beyond belief, I took that first step in figuring out what my new diet and regiment would be.
But with that, I also had to pair it with words of affirmation and working to love myself in that moment. Because I knew if I couldn't at least try to love myself where I was at, even if I hated that person, I wouldn't ever be able to truly love myself when the transformation had occurred. My love would be so conditional that I would never be fully content.
I wrote this in my journal that March 14th:
“Yes. I want to be healthy. Yes, I want to love myself even when I’m 50 pounds overweight. Yes, I want to love my stretch marks and my little rolls, but no, I’m not accepting them as my permanent, because loving myself means caring for myself wholly.
Loving myself doesn’t mean eating whatever I want.
It means eating the things that are going to keep me healthy and alive.
Loving myself doesn’t mean enjoying 18 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy in a row.
It means watching one episode while I do a kick ass workout to keep my bones and joints and adrenal systems healthy. So I can function.
Loving myself doesn’t mean telling everyone to 'f off because I’m beautiful'.
It means choosing not to judge myself, but also measuring where I’m at and being realistic because the minute I lie to myself about where I’m at, just to make myself feel better, I’m getting complacent and leading myself down a path to early death.
And there’s no shame in any of that. There is no shame in my stretch marks or my rolls or my dimples or my curves. They’re beautiful and they’re a part of me, but they’re not who I am. Who I am is strong, smart, creative, loving, powerful- “
That was a breaking point for me. I had finally admitted the truth about my body and how I saw myself in a way that didn't tear myself down. I hadn't been able to do that in a very long time.
I believe that one of the reasons our society is so messed up is because we have adapted this mentality that no matter what, you're fine just as you are and you shouldn't have to change or better yourself for anybody, including yourself.
Now don't come yelling at me in my DM's, but this simply isn't true. We have a responsibility as humans to be intentional about our growth. We are not to stay stagnant in a world that is constantly evolving and changing.
We are so polarized in that we believe in either a lifestyle of “go, go, go” or “rest, rest, rest”-
You are stunning.
You are beautiful.
You are enough.
You are lovely.
There is no shame in where you’re at.
But no shame, no same.” – Bob Shirock
There does not have to be shame in what you look like, your career, your mindset, how you live your life, any of it- but stop settling for less than what you can achieve.
I am not shaming you.
You need to not shame yourself.
Because no matter where you’re at now, you can always change and improve and..
Binging, eating whatever we want, acting however we want. It’s killing us.
Sorry, not sorry.
You can be positive about your body.
You can appreciate your body.
You can know, own and flaunt the fact that you are beautiful, because you are!
But acknowledging beauty isn’t loving yourself.
Saying all of the positive words isn’t loving yourself.
If you truly want to “live your best life”, start loving your body in a way that it can love you back.
I have health issues.
I love food.
I know how freaking hard it is to get off your butt and workout or feed yourself good foods.
I know how hard it is to say no to things that taste so good.
I know how hard it is to be the odd one out.
But if you don’t start valuing the person that is underneath, you will never be fully content or live that life that you are so desperately looking for in that pint of ice-cream.
Sure, go ahead and eat whatever you want now, tell yourself it’s okay.
But what about in ten, fifteen years when you’re dying because you didn’t give your body what it needed now?
Do you not matter then?
You’ve got to look outside of who you are right now and where you’re at and realize that the first step to loving yourself is understanding that unless you’re working to keep yourself healthy and live life to it’s absolute fullest, you’re doing yourself a huge disservice and you’re not actually loving yourself.
If you really want to be positive about your body, you’ll be doing things to heal it, take care of it and love on it. This applies to mental health, physical health, spiritual health- all the health! This isn’t just a body weight or look thing! Loving yourself starts on the inside and when you truly love yourself it reflects in ALL areas.
The body positivity movement started out as a good thing. We have to love our bodies and appreciate them for all that they’re capable of. Great!
But no-one ever said that being positive about your body meant that it was okay to stuff it full of junk food?
How is that positive?
How is it positive to eat yourself to death?
How is it positive to treat your body so badly now that you cannot be present or be alive for your children’s or friends lives?
How is any of that positive?
We can lie to ourselves all day long and say that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks and it doesn’t matter what we do as long as we’re happy, but that wouldn’t be the truth. Because happiness and fulfillment will never come through words, food, meds, or anything else material. You will eat your entire life away and still never find fulfillment.
Loving yourself means showing up, owning where you’re at, appreciating your beauty, appreciating who you are as a person and what you can bring to the table, and then constantly working to keep yourself in shape. That means working on your mindset, your mental health, your physical health, your spiritual health, your relations health and literally any other kind of help you can think of.
It isn’t a one size fits all or an overnight shift and that’s what we don’t like. Because it’s easier RIGHT NOW to be complacent. It’s easier RIGHT NOW to just do what we want. But I guarantee you it won’t be easier later when you’re drowning in whatever bathtub you put yourself in.
For those of you shaking your head, ready to click the “x” in the corner because it’s making you uncomfortable and “how dare she tell me to lose weight?!”- read this all again. I’m not telling you to lose weight. This isn’t about your freaking weight.
The body positivity movement has greatly turned into a web of lies, deceit, complacency and they’re bombs just waiting to go off when in 10-20 years people are dying, losing their minds and relationships and losing basic bodily functions left and right because they did what they wanted and didn’t give a f*** what anyone else thought, including themselves.
If you find yourself thinking or saying “take it or leave it” or “this is who I am and I’m never changing” or “I don’t care how I look as long as I’m happy”, check yourself. Check your heart, check your mind and check your spiritual health. Because it means that you’ve already reached complacency, it means that you’ve already reached a place where your ego is bigger than your head and you need some help coming down from the “you high” that you’re on.
Breaking down those walls, it’s hard. It takes work and man, I’ve really stabbed myself in the foot with some of the things I’ve said over the years.
But I’ve found more fulfillment and more happiness in refusing complacency than I ever did when I was doing whatever I wanted.
And for those of you who have health issues that are stopping you from losing weight altogether, man I see you. When I was first diagnosed with PCOS I had been dieting on and off for months trying to lose weight and the scale was not budging. Now, I’m not saying that dieting is the way to go, we’re not talking about that here, but I was putting my all in and it wasn’t happening. I am not criticizing you, because I see you working hard. You’re weary and you’re tired and you’re ready to give up, keep loving yourself. Keep accepting where you’re at now, but don’t quit. There is light at the end of the long tunnel and you will get there. You are doing such a good job and you need to keep right on loving yourself, even when it’s hard.
I hope you're not ready to burn me at the stake because I truly love each and every one of you and I desire that you will one day come to love yourself wholly.
Please don't hesitate to reach out and talk, to me or anyone. This journey of self love is exactly that, a journey. There is a lot of forwards and a lot of backwards and a lot of going in circles, but you will get it. Just take it one day at a time.