10 Lessons I Learned from My First Year of Motherhood
Welcome back to the Solidarity podcast
where we share stories to connect with one another, find comfort in life’s challenges & to celebrate the solidarity that is, being a woman.
I’m really excited for this episode because I just celebrated Hayden’s 1st birthday and hit my 1 year postpartum mark which is crazy to me. This year really flew by. This is also an exciting episode because it’s the top things that I learned in this first year which is awesome because I have a lot of new mamas, pregnant mamas or soon-to-be pregnant mamas following me so I’m pumped to share all of this.
Just a few housekeeping things real quick, if this is your first time listening I am so excited that you’re here and I’d love it if you’d hit subscribe and if you enjoy the episode, leave a quick review- just the stars or a written one- either way it helps the show so much and inspires me to keep creating for you! And if this isn’t our first hangout, welcome back! If you’re not subscribed or you haven’t left a review, do me a favor and take 30 seconds to do those things, it truly means the world. I also want to quickly remind you that this is the last episode of the first half of season 2! I will be on break for the next month to recharge, enjoy the holidays and brainstorm for the second half of season 2! I love taking these breaks so that I can truly show up and bring you the most value every Wednesday. In the meantime you can catch up and listen to old episodes and re-listen to your faves. I’ll be back January 12th be sure that you’re subscribed so that you don’t miss that!
Without further ado, let’s get into the 10 lessons I learned in my first year of motherhood!
ONE
You don’t really feel like yourself until 1 year postpartum. Now this is a bit of a generalization but I saw this in a graphic the other day and I had to agree with it for myself at least. Now if you asked me at about 3 months postpartum and then again at 6 months, I would’ve told you that I thought I was back to myself both of those times, at that time. But as the months have gone by I’d agree that it was a year for me. And it’s scary to hear that, and I feel like when I would hear people say that, before I had my baby, I would get defensive about that. Like, “no, I’’m going to be back to myself, don’t tell me how I’m going to be”. But really, it’s just because a newer version of you is born & the first year is spent figuring out how they coincide together. It’s not that you even fully lose yourself, you just sacrifice a lot of time that you used to dedicate fully to yourself, to your new baby. Your body, your time, your space, your relationship is directed towards your baby. Now I never let Hayden rule the roost and I always prioritized myself, my alone time, my body and time with Dustin- but I definitely still sacrificed a lot. I think attempting balance helps but there really is something that clicks once your babe is more independent. Now, they do become quite clingy as they go into toddlerhood, as I’ve learned these last few weeks, but that’s a whole other problem. But personality wise for myself, my sleep, my structure and dreams- they kinda all settled back in around a year. They didn’t leave, they were always there, but they were always up in the air and not first priority and I feel like everything’s just now starting to settle- like the peace of the first snow of the season. It rests in front of you and says “hi, I’m here, you can enjoy me now”. I encourage you to let your old and new self fight with each other, don’t just give up & concede to one or the other. There is room for the old & the new, you just have to give them both space & prioritize yourself too. It doesn’t have to be more, just too. I’m also working on loving myself but I’m also realizing that it’s okay to love who I am & not be IN love with my body. This has given me freedom & allowed me to detach my goals from my worth. Because unconditional self love, while nice in theory, gives us very little room to deal with how we actually feel & our goals & desires. We have to attempt balance.
TWO
The second thing I learned: Birth trauma doesn’t just go away overnight, it sticks with you. The emotional stress of everything I felt in those days of separation has not left me. My heart truly aches for any mother who has to spend any amount of time away from their baby from the moment they are born until THEY are ready. It’s too common of an experience to the point where we write mothers off & say “well at least they’re healthy..”, “be grateful it wasn’t worse…”, “now you have them..”. We try to act like it wasn’t traumatic and that you don’t have the aftermath of emotions to deal with but it’s simply not true. Whether your baby needed to be taken for extra care or it was done unnecessarily, I see you & I feel your pain and you aren’t crazy for feeling any of the emotions you felt or are currently still feeling. They are valid and you are strong in a way that you shouldn’t have to be. I still tear up when I think about that time, see pictures or even pass that hospital. I get angry and I these are feelings I need to work through with a counselor, but I will never forget. I guess I just want you to know that you’re not alone and that no matter what anyone says, you don’t have to forget, act like it was all okay because you “got your baby” and you don’t have to pretend that it’s okay. What is actually okay is sitting in the tension of that wasn’t ok AND I’m traumatized AND I mattered too AND I’m here with my baby now and safe now. Don’t let anyone try to rationalize, down play or make you feel bad or guilty to make themselves more comfortable/for the sake of fake positivity.
THREE
The third thing I learned is to nourish your body. This whole “oh I forgot to eat and shower and take care of myself” crap is over. We’re not doing that anymore. Especially if you’re breast-feeding you have to eat so that you can nourish your healing body and your baby’s. This goes for the entire year, not just the first few weeks. Meal plan, get your partner involved, get easy snacks- just do it. Set alarms to eat if you have to, but eat. If you don’t your brain will not function the way it needs to and you will be making your whole postpartum experience even harder than it needs to be- and it’s already hard. Make it clear to your partner that at some point in the day you will be taking a shower as that is basic human need and right and so they will watch the child while you do that, because we’re not sacrificing cleanliness. Set alarms and get a huge water bottle and drink your water. If you’re up for it and when you’re healed and if you want to, start working out. I have prioritized this almost every week day for the last year (after my 6 week appointment) and it’s changed my life. I’ve been able to keep up with my baby, my energy has been up and I’ve healed my body in a lot of ways. This isn’t about just losing weight or bouncing back- we’re not focusing on that because newsflash: most bodies don’t just bounce back and definitely not how we like to make it look in the media and on socials. So lose that imagery and focus on showing up for yourself and your baby and your partner and getting healthy. Prioritize your mental, spiritual and physical health so that you can serve your family better. Some days and weeks this may look like only an hour total a day or little chunks of time here or there but I promise it’s possible. Baby wear, bouncers, swings, involving them in workouts, tummy time while you do pelvic floor exercises- just remember that you don’t have to hold them 24/7 and entertain them 24/7 and as long as they’re fed, clean and safe it’s okay if they fuss for a second. Keep them in front of you, talk to them while you do stuff and get your time in or wait for your partner to come home and hand them off or get a friend or family member to come over and help for a bit. If you don’t do this, you will lose your mind. And no, this isn’t selfish. On the days you have to pour out of an empty cup, God will replenish you, but there is nowhere that says that you just disappear after having a baby and you don’t stop existing and mattering after their birth.
FOUR
The fourth thing I learned is to go with the flow and accept that only a fraction of the things that I thought mattered actually matter & that it’s actually awesome to be spontaneous. Everyday with a child is a mystery. You don’t know when they’re going to get sick, or be inconsolable, or just want a snuggle day or want to burst out of the house. Breakfast will take longer, packing for a trip will take longer and take more bags- but go on the trips, it’s so worth it. Invest in a good/light stroller and find a mom group or friends to go hang out with. Just get out of the house, get around other adults and go with the flow. It’s okay if all the chores don’t get done, if things take longer to do and goals are set back or extended a bit. It will all eventually get done- or at least the important things. But also, write everything down in your phone notes because mom brain is real and if you don’t write it down it will forever be lost to the black hole that is now your brain.
FIVE
The fifth thing I learned is to add an extra 30 minutes to your getting ready to leave the house routine. Just trust me on this one. No matter how fast your diaper bag packing skills are, something always happens. Always. And just because you have kids, doesn’t mean it’s okay to be late everywhere. I used to be really bad about this but I’ve realized it’s rude and you waste a lot of time by being late. So schedule in more time to leave the house. Keep your diaper bag packed so you can grab and go and account at least 15 minutes of that to just running around the house trying to get all of the stuff together and another 15 for buckling in, changing a blowout, changing your shirt, spraying more dry shampoo and shoving another snack in or cleaning a bottle because you forgot to pack one and none of them are clean. You get the point.
SIX
The sixth thing I learned is: don’t feel overwhelmed by your baby’s changes and habits because they will be short lived before they move onto something else. Sometimes it’s weeks and sometimes it’s days. Just stick with your routine and roll with it. Both of you are figuring out how to exist together and as individuals in your new bodies and with all of the changes, give you and your baby grace. I know it can be scary when they add a nap or drop one or change their nap cycles around and shake up your whole day’s schedule. When they start new foods or the weather changes or the time changes- things happen. Babies although very adaptable are also very temperamental. So just give yourself a few days to adjust to any changes before you freak out and ask for all of the advice and call your doctor because they’re probably fine- unless your mommy gut says otherwise which is usually right, so listen to it. But if you get overwhelmed every time they change, you’ll live in a constant state of overwhelm. As someone who likes to control everything I had to learn to say “well, this is what’s happening now and we’ll see what is happening tomorrow because it is likely to change”. Then let it go and go with the flow. Have a general outline of a routine and stick with it for consistency but don’t be so stuck on times and perfection that you lose your mind. Stay consistent in the order of operations for the day so that your baby doesn’t get thrown off even more, and that will maintain a sliver of your sanity and ease you back out of that change back into normalcy, but also try not to stress, it will most likely pass. If you get too frustrated or overwhelmed tap out and tag in a family member, friend or your partner to give you support. Remember, you weren’t meant to do this alone.
SEVEN
The seventh thing I learned: over-communicate with your partner. Tell them exactly what you need. Surprise, but you’re just as temperamental as your baby. So don’t expect them to read your mind or keep up with your ever-changing needs. Tell them what you need and prep them for mood swings, tears, anger, frustration, time for yourself, sleep deprivation (and yes you will sleep, it will just be broken up into chunks which takes some getting used to but you will survive, I promise). And prep them for the fact that you’re going to need to conserve as much energy as possible and you’re going to need a lot of support. And not just in the first 6 weeks but for the first year. Discuss expectations. You may need them to cook meals or do laundry or dishes or clean or a mixture of both on top of their job. That’s not asking too much, I promise. You’re taking care of a whole freaking human who has a lot of needs, plus yourself. Split up responsibilities and make it clear your expectations and needs and regularly check in with each other and do your best to give each other grace as you navigate this first year so you don’t lose touch. Get creative with date nights and intimacy and don’t lose your fun. Enjoy your baby together and share those precious family moments together. There is literally nothing like it.
EIGHT
The eight thing I learned is to start your day in the Bible. This should’ve honestly been first, but such is my human self. Start your day in the Bible, even if it’s on a podcast or on your phone while you feed your babe their morning bottle. Pray, read a little bit, get grounded for the day and remind yourself of who you’re serving and where your strength comes from. Everyone around me knows the days I don’t start with the Word and I feel the difference when I do. And when things go wrong I’m much more likely to get back on track and to be chill because I remember who is in charge and I’m able to say “tag you’re it God, I got nothing”. That first year of motherhood is going to challenge and stretch you in ways that you never knew possible. God can renew you, give you strength, somehow give you energy when you feel like you’re at your end and give you the wisdom you need when you’re struggling to make tough decisions. But ya gotta let Him in.
NINE
The ninth thing I learned is to ask for what you need and when it’s offered, accept it. I’m pretty sure it was less than a week we were home before we left Hayden and just went to the grocery store to get an hour away from him. Mom burn out is real and it’s important that if you have healthy family that your babies get time with them. Take advantage of that! I see so many mamas who are dying for a break and want help, but when it’s offered, they decline out of fear of being a burden or looking like they can’t handle it all. But deep down they’re breaking or not operating as best they can because they won’t take a freaking break. Newsflash: You CANNOT do it all. We were designed to live in community and I believe God knew that we were going to need help raising our children and made us that way for a reason. But our culture has created this dumb idea that we have to do it all ourselves, cut our parents and in-laws and friends out and that if we ask for help that we must be weak. But y’all, strength is knowing your boundaries and your limits and it’s putting down your pride and getting time to yourself. If you have anxiety about leaving your babies but need a break, ask someone to come over and watch them while you take a bath or a nap or hang out in your backyard for an hour. Ask people to come over and just hang out and give you company so you have some sense of normalcy in those first few weeks and then get out as soon as you can and go places. Stop worrying about how messy your house or that you’re going to be burdening somebody. If they’re in your life, they most likely want to come help. Or ask people to come over and help with tasks so that you can feel normalcy in your home and still get your bonding time with your baby- that’s totally okay too. Ask, because if you don’t you’ll never know the joy of inviting people into your space to share life and to enjoy the gift that is receiving and giving others the chance to give. Don’t be afraid to put your guard down and realize that you cannot do it all and maintain your sanity. Could you do it all? Yeah. But you don’t have to and it’s okay to not only want a break, but to take one! And then when it’s offered- accept the help. People WANT to help. So accept it and chill the heck out.
TEN
Alright my last thing, number ten. When you get overwhelmed and frustrated take a deep breath. If you’re struggling and no one is around, put your baby in a safe place, even if they’re crying and walk away. Yell in your room. Throw a pillow, do what you need to. Pray and then return to your baby. It’s okay to get frustrated with your child, even babies- especially babies. You just have to learn how to channel your emotions and not take them out on your kids. Get it out, don’t let it build up. Talk through feelings and emotions even if they feel scary or absurd or frightening. You are not a bad mom. Postpartum anxiety and depression are very real. Postpartum frustration and anger is very real. If you’re worried about how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking talk it through with someone you love and trust, especially your partner and maybe a therapist if you can. Don’t sit with it for fear of being judged. Get it out so that it loses some of the scariness and so that you won’t be alone just ruminating in it. Our minds can become really scary places, especially when we’re sleep deprived & going through huge changes and it’s even worse when we isolate ourselves. You are not weak for not feeling like yourself, needing help or needing to work through complex and contradicting emotions.
Well, that is it! Well I’m sure that’s not everything, I could share so much more with you, but we’d be here for, well, a year. Anyways, I hope you found this encouraging and helpful. I try to keep it real without being 100% negative but I’m also not going to sugar coat it because this is a hard year and that helps nobody to go in unprepared. Even if you don’t want all of the nitty gritty details, you should at least have a general idea of what you’re walking into and have tools in your toolbox to combat the inevitable. Just remember, lots of prayer and lots of grace. And community. If you need community, I’m here for you and I can connect you to some awesome online community and help you find local community as well! We’re all in this together and you are never, ever alone. Well I love y’all.
Thank you so much for listening in this week. If you’d like to share your story, shoot me an email or DM. You can follow me on Instagram @riley_quin and you can also sign up for my monthly email list on my website rileyq.com or click the link below. If you feel called to, please share with a woman who you know needs to be strengthened and encouraged. It would mean the world to me if you’d leave a podcast review on Apple podcasts and let me know your favorite part of this week’s episode. Thanks again & be sure to subscribe and we’ll meet back here on January 12th for the kickoff of the 2nd half of season 2! I’m so excited. I hope you enjoy this holiday season. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from me and my family.
As always, I’m so glad you’re here. You’re wanted, needed and loved. I see you, I hear you and you my love, by the grace of God, you are enough.