Teaching Toddlers
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where we share stories to connect with one another, find comfort in life’s challenges & to celebrate the solidarity that is, being a woman.
Last night I laid in bed typing this up on my phone because my computer was not available to me as planned. Why you ask? As I typed I was snuggled up next to both of my boys snoring away. We had a rough night. A night where our routine wasn’t the norm throwing off Hayden’s dinner and then downward spiraling into a rough bedtime that resulted in an hour of tears, screaming and throwing which isn’t normal for him. He ended up in bed with us which we really really really didn’t want, if you catch my drift, so angrily we all went to bed, Hayden just had a slightly different reason.
No one told me how hard this transition was going to be.
I mean I’ve heard it over and over again, terrible twos, terrible threes- I’ve seen it. But one? I thought I had at least until he was almost two before the tantrums and opinions and misunderstandings would begin. Boy was I wrong. And I don’t say this to be all doom and gloom, it’s going to be okay, but I wish someone would have at least told me that this was coming so soon so I could’ve been a bit more mentally prepared. So if you didn’t know, now you do, do with that what you will.
It’s been rough. I mean I have prepping for gentle parenting since long before I had babies but actually doing it and especially with a one year old who can’t communicate outside of grunts, screams, his hands and his body- it’s tough. Especially if I’m the least bit preoccupied or stressed or frustrated, it feels impossible not to snap which isn’t fair because he’s still a literal baby who doesn’t understand that it’s not a good time and can’t communicate what he needs and is frustrated. His frustration fuels mine and I fuel his and sometimes it’s only something that can be diffused by Dustin stepping in and taking over to meet our needs or me walking away or just stopping and hugging him and we all breathe and start again.
Already it’s me apologizing and asking for forgiveness when I snap because he is not responsible for how I respond.
I’m trying to do better. I’m trying to break a long running generational curse of anger and emotional manipulation. And it’s hard. I cry a lot. And I mess up a lot. But I’m trying.
I’ve noticed that a lot of the tactics gentle parenting experts give are great but they don’t always work with itty bitties. You have to adapt them to fit the needs of your littles and it’s literally constant trial and error.
I’ll get into some of these in a second but you should know, it starts with you. You set the tone and the mood for your household.
If you’re yelling at your kids and your husband, they’re going to yell back and think that it’s how you communicate in your household.
If you’re angry, the atmosphere is going to be angry.
I am the biggest offender so don’t think I’m judging you but here’s a few things that have recently helped me prevent anger & explosions. Which is ironic because today, was another day.
Prayer & scripture - daily. Every morning. I know when this doesn’t happen, like today. And our day did not go well, so, that’s something that has to be prioritized every morning.
Gratitude and thanking God even for the hard stuff. Journaling about positive things and then listing all of my blessings puts me in a good headspace.
When I feel the anger bubbling I go for affection, hugs and kisses and I go for a mood changer like happy music or a way to move my body to get aggression and pent up negative energy out. There’s nothing that can diffuse a tense situation more than a hug, especially when it’s with people you love, like your spouse, like your children. We do a lot of jumping, shaking, clearing and dancing around here, but it helps. And nothing diffuses anger more than seeing your little one laugh and dance and smile because mommy’s happy.
I take preventive measures to already have happy music on or recite scripture and we keep a pretty structured approach to our day so Hayden knows usually what’s coming next. I don’t let this stop us from going places and doing things but he knows in the afternoon he takes a nap and when he wakes up it’s time for lunch and then daddy comes home and it’s time for dinner and then we play and snuggle and then he gets his milk and goes to bed. And that’s why when we diverted from that last night and sat down and forgot about his dinner until way later because we ate while he took a late nap, that spiraled from there because his cycle was off and he was frustrated and he couldn’t communicate that his needs weren’t being met. I mean I know how angry I get when my needs aren’t getting met and I can communicate them, so I can’t imagine how he must feel!
So what about coping with the tantrums? The kicking? The screaming? How do you handle a child who can’t even say “yes” or “no”?
Well I’ve come up with a list via the acrostic “toddler” to make it easy to remember. Now this isn’t necessarily in order of operations but it’ll give you a reminder of a toolbox to dig through when you want to prevent a tantrum or just handle one.
Tangible options
Kids need choices right? “You can sit down in your chair or you can be done with dinner and get down & stay safe.” Now with a one year old he doesn’t know what half of this means. I still verbalize it so that he gets used to that but with babies you have to give tangible options that they can look at and practically see and touch and then decide and then when they see your follow through, they’ll start to catch on. This took a few weeks for Hayden to get but I’m already finding he’s doing better at making choices and he’s taking time to think through actions even if he fully doesn’t understand cause and effect and consequences. But that’s not the goal, the goal right now is to lay the foundation with consistency and intentionality. So in that case scenario I would either point to his bottom and the bottom of his chair (an action he understands) or point to down and sign to him “all done” (another thing he understands). See how you start with two concepts that they understand and are tangible so he can make a choice and know what the result will be. It may still result in a tantrum but then you’ve established the consistency and you can choose the “redirection” tool to move them onto something else because that’s one perk of babies, they forget what they want immediately and will move on if enticed.
2. Order.
Like I mentioned before, order is vital to a household. Kids understand patterns which is why they thrive on routine, it’s how they typically learn. So if you’re not sticking with even a loose routine- your child is going to be more prone to throwing a fit because they’re not getting their needs met and they have no idea when they’ll get them met. Do your best to maintain even just a basic order of operations and then as you go throughout your day talk to your child and tell them what’s coming up next and when. This is a great way to redirect and make them feel like they have some sense of control and choice.
3. Deliberation
Now this would be better as step one but toddler doesn’t start with “d”, so. But before you give choices and go through an entire argument or interaction to try and calm your child, deliberately decide how you want to react, what you hope the outcome will be (this is not their response, nearly the end goal - Ex: a peaceful transition from the park to the car to home - not exactly how your child will react when you say “it’s time to go”.) Thinking this through will help you have a handle on how you want to proceed clearly and concisely as to not confuse or frustrate your child even more. Just as you’d choose your words carefully with an important client, you want to do the same with your kids so you can say what you mean and mean what you say.
4. Done
Boundaries aren’t bad. You are still the authority figure and so you have to establish boundaries with your kids, they thrive with them actually, even if the initial response doesn’t seem like they do. Toddlers push boundaries and learn by doing. You can let them do dangerous things carefully, with supervision but sometimes it’s just a “no” with a good reason that you can explain later when you redirect them or they’re not choosing and they’re in full melt down mode and so it’s time to remove them until they’ve calmed down and can be safe and rational again. When they’re done, they’re done. Pick them up and walk away and hug them and let them react and be there for them to support their big emotions, that you have too. When you’re done you’re done and you walk away and scream and cry and punch pillows so why wouldn’t they do the same? It’s not bad behavior, it’s their way of trying to get the pent up frustration and energy out. Their bodies cannot contain it anymore and just like adults after a meltdown, they don’t fully understand why they did it; they just did but then they feel better and I think that’s ok. It’s healthier to get it out in a safe environment than to hold it all in. So be their safe environment. Give them a pillow to punch or soft balls to throw in a basket or a hug or space to run around and kick and cry. Or if your child likes to express their anger in an artistic way, give them something to draw on and tell them to draw how they feel. You may find this naturally redirects them or you may find it gives them the space they need to react and then they settle in your lap for a cry or a hug or a big sigh and then it’s time to move on and talk through what happened or redirect to the next activity.
5. Let go
And this kinda goes back to the boundaries one, especially if you kinda got a little pit in your stomach when you heard me talking about boundaries and letting your kids express their emotions. This isn’t something that is “normal”, it’s kind of a new idea. Let go of your expectations of how your child should react. Let go of the ideas of outcomes. Let go of the shame you feel because older generations told us it wasn’t appropriate to let kids have emotions. The whole “be seen and not heard” type of idea. Unless they’re the parent they don’t get to say if you’re in control of your kid or not. Your child may be having their first meltdown in days, in public, because they’ve had a long overstimulating day and they’re not understanding what you’re asking them to do or not do, or they just don’t want to and they’re tired. And you’re not gonna stand there and explain to the old lady making a fuss that you’ve had a great week and why he’s overstimulated. So let the comments roll of your back and stay focused on raising a child who can process and express emotion and have respect for people and have kindness and compassion in those situations. You can let your child have emotions without letting them run the show, so it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, they’re not going to see how you’re handling everything else in private and they’re not going to see the whole process you’re going through to raise a well-rounded child. They’re only seeing that specific moment. So you can’t let their judgement define you or take over or make you change your parenting style because you’re afraid of what other people think. So keep your eye on the goal and remember that you’re only responsible for your response to your child and by staying calm and sticking to the plan and redirecting and removing yourself when necessary- you’re doing your best.
6. Explore
Let your kids explore! Especially toddlers. Dangerous things carefully, remember? They want to climb the stairs? You’re able to watch them and help them come down? Let them do it! Their curiosity will eventually get to them and they’ll sneak off and do it in an unsafe way while you’re not looking. Give them a chance to do it safely and then the luster is lost and they’ll have experienced something new, gained a new tool and then they’ll move on to something else that’s exciting to their brain. I challenge you to question yourself when you automatically blurt out “no” or “don’t do that!”. Ask yourself why? Why can’t they do it? Was I just not allowed to do it? Is it a social taboo? Is it actually dangerous or can I make it safe and approachable? Let them explore, it’s so good for them and it’s good for you too because when I just let Hayden be in safe perimeters eventually he gets bored and moves back on to toys. Just give them some room!
7. Relax
Easier said than done I know but the more grounded you stay the calmer they will be. Model shaking it out, clearing energy, working out and moving out stress and anxiety and anger. Show them how to move or sit and breathe when they’re upset depending on what they need to regulate at the time. Hold space for their feelings. Model coping mechanisms and you’ll find they start to do them. Relax about the outcome and relax about controlling everything they do. Relax about opinions. Relax about rules. Relax, play and have fun. This time in your child’s life is not going to last forever and it’s going to go by really really fast. And you don’t want to look back and have more regrets because of how you restricted than you do of fun memories with your children. And that doesn’t mean giving up all rules and all boundaries and all sense of your sanity. But life is a lot more enjoyable when you let go of expectations and just roll with it and your kid’s personality, attitude and choices will reflect that of yours.
Trust me I’m not perfect and you will catch me forgetting these tools often. I forget to calm down and breathe. I scream and get angry and stomp and slam doors and make things worse and then I remember and I see his face and he reminds me that I want to do better for him and so I calm and apologize and try again. I hand him off when I need to. I specifically set up time that he’s gong to be with other family members so I can have a mental breather. If he’s safe I walk away if I need to for a second. I attempt life from his perspective because I’m the adult and it’s my responsibility to be a source of safety and security for him. I attempt to remember how he communicated and rather than get angry when he’s angry, I try to get to the root of it and react with meeting his needs and calming him instead of getting angry and lashing out and trying to withhold basic needs for him just for a power trip. That doesn’t do anyone any good now or long term. Meeting needs isn’t giving in to bad behavior when you revisit the definition and how you view bad behavior, rewarding, punishment, discipline and you realize that maybe that’s the point. Meeting their needs is the point. Teaching them how to process emotions and communicate is the need. Discipline is more than punishment and it’s a tool to teach, not to abuse, or use as a power play. You are put here to teach, guide and prepare. Discipline is necessary, consequences are inevitable, but how we approach and respond can mold a whole new generation of strong, confident, emotionally healthy human beings who know who they are in Christ, who love well, who process well and have deep empathy because that’s what was modeled to them.
Faithful over fearful.
Practice that with your kids, be faithful to their whole life and not just vindication and retaliation to fill a frustrating need right now and prioritize faithful over fear and you’ll see a major change in your household.
This is something we have to retrain our brains with because most of us weren’t raised this way, but that doesn’t mean that’s a bad thing. Our kids don’t rule the roost but remember, authority and empathy can be synonymous and really, they should be. Strive to build them up, not to break them. Shape and help mold the parts of them that are sometimes difficult, because those can end up being their best strengths. And remember, respect is a choice, but it’s an easier choice to be made when it’s regularly modeled and shared. Respect the beauty in how God made His children and gifted them to you- steward this wisely and carefully to glorify Him with gentleness and kindness and you’ll see a kind of kindness and respect and strength rise up in your children that you could’ve never imagined up on your own.
So don’t break, build.
And when you inevitably mess up, breathe, pray, repent, seek forgiveness and make intentional choices to change and model that process because kids can pretend, to make you happy, all they want but if they know how to deal with messy and hard and get real and vulnerable, they’ll have the tools to work through anything and that is a job well done.
Thank you so much for listening in this week. DM me on Instagram @riley_quin or shoot me an email riley@rileyq.com and let me know what you’re going through and if there is a specific topic you want me to talk about and if I haven’t experienced it, I’ll find someone who has to come and chat with us. If you want to share your story, check out my website rileyq.com and under the “Connect” tab click “Tell your story” and submit it either for right here on the podcast or I can share it on Instagram- even anonymously! I just really want to get back to why I created this space, which is to share our experiences and our stories to find solidarity, even in the hardship because you’re not alone. Someone has always walked before you and someone is always walking beside you and behind you so we must share. We are not meant to live in isolation.
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