Procrastinating Relationships

Welcome back to the Solidarity podcast

where we share stories to connect with one another, find comfort in life’s challenges & to celebrate the solidarity that is, being a woman.

I have a confession: I am a procrastinator.

As much as I am really good at getting the job done, I often procrastinate and wait until the last possible minute to do it.  That doesn’t mean I don’t think about doing it, in fact, I often set out to do something but then I spend all of the time that I would’ve spent working on said thing, planning how to do said thing.  Evaluating from every angle, thinking through all of the steps, writing the steps down and by the time I’m done with that I feel like I’ve already done the task and I’m so exhausted from all of the non-work that I’ve put in, that I just push it off.  And when I circle back to said task, I will go over my notes over and over again until I really don’t want to do the task anymore.  It’s problematic, I’m aware.  I almost always end up getting the thing done on time, I just stress myself out by pushing it until the last possible minute.  Relatable?

I’ve found that I do this in multiple areas of my life.  I spend so much time thinking about how something is going to go that I work up this anxiety and I end up getting so anxious and overwhelmed about actually doing the thing that I never end up doing it or at least finishing it.

I’ve found that with starting new relationships I am especially bad in this area.

Now if you know me in day to day life you know that I am a people person. I love people and I could spend hours talking once you get to know me.  But first impressions, aren’t really my thing.  I get really nervous going into a relationship, unless it’s a job, because I know what I have to offer then, but otherwise I’m unsure and I get anxious. What if I can’t offer anything special?  What if they don’t like me or they think I’m boring? What if I’m just a burden from the start- “I’m thinking like this and I would be burdened by someone feeling that way so I must be a burden- may as well not even try”.

It’s a lot right?  I exhaust myself with my brain.

That mindset though, it’s kept me from a lot these last couple of years.  Back in Michigan I have a lot of friends, I have a lot of friends, most of them childhood friends that I made throughout my school years.  Some of my best friends from high school I still talk to and visit with when I’m back home.  Although moving 500 miles south was definitely my idea and I by no means regret it, I’ve had a hard time with the relational part of it.  I’ve always just had friends.  I’ve been in churches and environments that set me up for success in that area because I was quite literally forced to get to know people and through those experiences friendships were formed.  It was second nature- or so I thought until I was isolated.

Living in a new city I felt like my only option was to get involved in a church to meet new people.  Unfortunately I didn’t get off on the right foot in that sense and the first church I went to ended up being my last for awhile.  It wasn’t a very welcoming or friendly experience and I ended up feeling even more alone- good perspective for where I’m at in life now, but really crappy in the midst of it.  After that I turned to dating apps because really I wanted a boyfriend because you kinda get a built in best friend with that.  Pretty much right away I met Dustin and we were inseparable.  I also had two friends from home that lived in the area as well so between them and Dustin I was set.  I was so focused on dating and then very quickly planning a wedding that I really didn’t take the time to try to get plugged in anywhere or make more friends.  The wedding was such a whirlwind and then soon after followed the passing and funeral of Dustin’s beloved grandfather and all of the arrangements that happened with that.  Before I knew it we were moving in with his grandmother to help care for her and the property and be a helping hand.  We were going to his family’s church and I was in a comfortable routine, but it wasn’t reaping much fruit relationally.  The church was small and I didn’t have the opportunity to meet people there.  I wasn’t working out of the house or going to any groups or Bible studies so I was pretty isolated.  I did meet people here and there but nothing every flourished into really solid relationships and friendships.  At least not for awhile.

People came and went with the ebb and flow of life.  But what I always found was this longing for a rooted community, a place that felt familiar, a place that was accepting- a home that I could be a part of.  The problem was?  I didn’t know where that was and my situation was not typical to say the least.  I was young, married before all of my peers, have a young baby and the majority of my life is spent online.  As much as I love it all, I still felt very isolated.

Now I can be very resourceful when I want to be, so I went looking, trust me I did, but remember that procrastination thing?  I kept putting it off.  I’d cry and cry about not having a group of women in my life to spend time with, but when presented with an opportunity or at least when I’d see an opportunity online, I wouldn’t go.  I’d put it off.  Sometimes it was because I was anxious and scared of rejection and other times it was out of pure exhaustion and laziness.

I can’t speculate and say what kind of friendships I’d have now if I had just gotten involved in places earlier, but I do believe wholeheartedly that God works with all kinds of messes and He’s very patient in waiting for us to be ready to clean them up.  But I also believe that sometimes He kinda just nudges us with the broom to let us know it’s time to stop crying and get to work.  I had that moment a few weeks ago.  I knew we needed to take the plunge and get involved in church in person.  I knew I needed to get into a life group and get to know people, even if I wasn’t the same age as they were.  Even if I didn’t have as many years of marriage under my belt as they did.  Even if it meant that I was just there to learn and absorb their life experience.  It’s hard when you’re living a life that most of your peers won’t live for years to come.  It’s lonely and isolating and sometimes you feel like you’ve made a mistake because if you had just chosen to wait like they had then you’d have friends your age that would be able to relate to you.  That being said, I don’t regret it.  Not in the least bit.  I wouldn’t trade a whole sorority of girlfriends for the life I have now with Dustin and Hayden.  I love them more than life itself and so with that being true and the fact that my heart was desperate for relationships also being true- I knew I had to get over my insecurities even if it meant that I showed up shaking in my boots.

And I did.  I probably embarrassed myself a bit, but I’m showing up for a mom group and church in person and I’m going to events and putting myself out there.  Sometimes there’s awkward silence and boy is that uncomfortable.  Sometimes I have nothing to say so I just listen, which is actually good for me because sometimes I need to learn to shut my mouth and truly listen.  In fact, it’s actually been a really good lesson in listening.  It’s made me realize that I’m not as good of a listener as I’d like to be which isn’t surprising when I’m talking to myself and writing all day long.So I want to encourage you with three lessons I’ve learned throughout this journey.

1. It’s good- healthy even, to be alone.

It’s good to reflect and have solitude, especially when you’re willing to spend it with God who will remind you that you’re never truly alone and it will give you plenty of time to self reflect and really look at some of the areas that you can improve in to better yourself relationally and emotionally.  Doing life with people strikes nerves and sometimes you have to take some time alone to heal from the trauma and issues that will inevitably come up.  So don’t stay stuck in an unhealthy place or unhealthy relationship just because you’re afraid of being alone. I would 100% rather be alone in a room by myself than be alone in a room full of people who don’t truly care about me.

2. Do it scared.

Show up, even if it means you’re shaking in your boots and I promise you, even as confident as I can be, I showed up that first week nervous and the second week still a little nervous, but a little bit more excited.  Keep showing up until the new wears off and you start to find your footing.  Go in with an open heart and mind believing that you won’t automatically be met with rejection and opposition.  Go in with an optimism that is contagious, the belief that there is something good there and that God is faithful when we take steps in the right direction towards what He has for us.  I was reading in Annie Down’s 100 Days to Brave and I read that it can be confusing when you’re not sure which way to go because God doesn’t always give us a step-by-step manual but sometimes instead just points us in a general direction and we’re supposed to walk until that door closes or until He makes the next step clear.   With that in mind, if you have an opportunity arise that is somewhat like what you’ve been praying for, just go for it (unless it directly contradicts God’s word) and see what He has for you in it.  Maybe it won’t be long term, maybe it will just be a lesson for you to learn or a test in your obedience- but show up.

3. Listen to hear, not to respond.

This last weekend my pastor Ian Simkins (I think I’m saying that name right) did a wonderful sermon on relationships which is ironic- but not really because, God, given my newfound involvement with people- but he did a sermon on listening in relationships and how to be an intentional and healthy listener. Like I said before, it made me realize that I’m not actually a great listener but one thing he said that really helped me ease the frustration and fear behind showing up and interacting with people and possibly facing opposition and differences is this, he said, “Differences aren’t problems to solve, they’re tensions to manage. What if we chose leaning into the tension and seeing it as a way of loving people?”  Man, that hit home for me.  As much time as I spend online I run into differences all the time and it feels hard not to want to defend myself all the time and defend my beliefs against people who differ from me.  It’s one of the reasons I was afraid to step out into the world because I have very strong opinions and beliefs and it’s hard to find people that align with me.  But when he said that I realized that maybe we’ve made opinions a bigger deal than they actually are.  That maybe my relationships don’t have to involve or revolve around the divisive topics and maybe I can have friendships where we have a mutual respect for one another and focus on listening to hear, rather than listening to respond and in that, we can share camaraderie over our commonalities rather than constant discourse and tension over our differences.

I want you to know that I see those of you who are afraid, I am you.

My insecurities have ruled my world for too long and I know what you’re feeling.  I am wildly aware of the amount of space I take up in a room & I’m always afraid that I am taking up too much of it. That my physical body is too big, that my emotional presence is too much & that my personality is beyond the threshold of unpleasant. It is this fear that leaves me tangled up at home, afraid to leave my couch out of anxiety that any one or all of these fears will be affirmed.  So I SEE you.  But I promise, that living a life based out of fear is no way to live.

God is clear about us being in community with one another.

Colossians 3:13 

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Galatians 6:2

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

Proverbs 17:17

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”

Proverbs 27:17

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

Matthew 18:20

“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

I could keep them coming, but I think you get the point, God wants us to be in community so we have to make it a priority.

So here’s your challenge for this week. If you’re living in a new place and you haven’t put yourself out there, get online and find an event, a church or a meeting to go to.  If you’re struggling in your current friendships seek reconciliation or reach out to an old friend or someone that you know that needs a friend right now- someone to listen.  Be intentional about showing up for the people in your life, even if it doesn’t feel natural.  Just try it and see how it influences your mood and the mood of those around you.  I really do think that God blesses our obedience and I know that I personally feel more joy when I’m intentional about connecting with people that He points me towards.

Psalm 128:1-4

“Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to him. You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Yes, this will be the blessing for the man who fears the Lord.”

To end with a quote that I think sums up how most of my generation feels about relationships and probably need to hear as a good kick in the pants:

“You are the generation most afraid of real community because it inevitably limits freedom and choice. Get over your fear.” - Tim Keller

Thank you so much for listening in this week, If you’d like to share your story, shoot me an email or DM. You can follow me on Instagram @riley_quin which is where I hang out the most. If you feel called to, please share with a woman who you know needs to be strengthened and encouraged. And as I have been on a hiatus for awhile it would mean the world if you’d leave a podcast review on Apple podcasts as a way to get me back into the groove of things on the algorithm. Thanks again & be sure to check back next Wednesday for a new episode!

As always, I’m so glad you’re here. You’re wanted, needed and loved. I see you, I hear you and you my love, by the grace of God, you are enough.